Archive for August, 2010

25
Aug


Unless you’re currently with the person you’ll wind up spending your life with, sooner or later you’re going to have sex with someone for the first time.

Does this idea excite you, terrify you, confuse you — or all three?

If you prepare yourself and your partner, it can be delightful. But if you feel pressured, self-conscious, inadequate and alone, your experience may not be very enjoyable.

How to prepare? First, decide what the sex means to you. Do you see it as the beginning of something important, a casual thing, or friends essentially comforting each other? And what does it mean to your prospective partner? If you don’t know, ask. Make sure the sex means something similar to both of you, or there’ll be two unhappy people afterwards.

What kind of sex do you like? What does your new partner like? Talking about this ahead of time is exquisitely sexy, as you discover each other’s preferences, expertise, and fantasies. Are there likely to be soft words, rough words or complete silence? Costumes, blindfolds or spanking? Gentle caressing or athletic wrestling?

Talking about these things ahead of time sets the tone for the upcoming sex. It also helps you get to know your partner better. Is your new partner comfortable with his or her sexuality? Is he playful, serious or downright narrow-minded? Does she view sex as a creative partnership or just a collision of bodies without much emotional choreography?

Ironically, talking about the kind of sex you’re going to have can help you decide whether you really want sex with this person again or at all.

How someone talks about being sexual with you is probably a much better predictor of the erotic experience you’ll actually have than anything you can observe about her body or the way he sets up the bedroom. Listen, both to the words and to the heart behind them.

Tips:

  • A friendly conversation about sex doesn’t break the mood, it helps create the mood.
  • Make sure you and your prospective partner mean the same thing by being sexual together.
  • Be wary of becoming sexual with someone who says he or she doesn’t want to talk about sex, but prefers to just let it happen.

 




A friendly conversation about sex doesn’t break the mood, it helps create the mood.
Make sure you and your prospective partner mean the same thing by being sexual together.
Be wary of becoming sexual with someone who says he or she doesn’t want to talk about sex, but prefers to just let it happen.

 

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
18
Aug


Everyone from Oprah to your Aunt Mabel talks about intimacy. And much of what’s said is misinformation or myth. Here are some of the most common examples of intimacy myths:

Myth #1: Women are better at intimacy and want it more than men

This myth hurts both women and men. It dishonors the genuine desires for connection that many men feel, and confuses and isolates them. It also forces responsibility for good relationships onto women, creating resentment and depression.

It’s more accurate to say that many women relate to styles of intimacy that are different from the styles that are comfortable for many men. This is not a problem — it’s an exciting opportunity to synthesize two hearts.

Myth #2: Intimacy equals love

Many people who love each other lack the tools or desire to create intimacy. Sadly, some people use love to manipulate, bully, and hurt each other and then feel surprised when they don’t feel close to each other. In many ways, intimacy is more about people liking each other than it is about them loving each other.

Myth #3: Intimacy equals sex

Most of us have had sex that was not intimate, and many of us have had intimate relationships that had little or no sex. This is not surprising. Sexuality is one vehicle for intimacy, but not the only one. And intimacy is one aspect of sexuality, but not the only one.

Some people like to use sex to get close to a partner, while others can’t really enjoy sex unless they already feel close. It’s important for people to discuss how they feel about this rather than struggling with anger and hurt about it.

Myth #4: Intimacy means losing your self

Intimacy can only occur between two individuals with two selves. Intimacy occupies a very special place between two separate lives, acting as a spark that connects and excites. When one person demands that the other submerge him or herself in the relationship, that person is asking for a kind of immature safety that is the opposite of intimacy. And while people in the first blush of passion often lose themselves, they must disentangle from each other if the relationship is to grow and become intimate.

Myth #5: Intimacy has no room for conflict

Since true intimacy involves the ongoing exposure of two individual selves, combined with a commitment to maintain a connection despite discomfort, intimacy involves conflict. It must be a special kind of conflict, however: cooperative, productive, conscious.

Myth #6: Intimacy is easy

Intimacy involves self-awareness, honesty, courage, trust and communication. How could it possibly be easy?

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Category : Blog
11
Aug


Nurturing intimacy involves moving closer to your partner, or pulling your partner closer to you. Assuming that you want this, how can you do it?

Not surprisingly, communication is the key. Moving closer means making yourself more available.

Talk more about yourself — not stories about who said or did what to whom, but information about you. How did you or do you feel? What does the world look like to you these days? What makes you glad you’re you? Where do you feel you’re headed and how do you feel about it? How was today different than you thought it would be?

Talking about yourself in these ways may seem strange, but most people are eager to get to know their partners and stay updated. When we care for someone, we want to look through their eyes as best we can. Ultimately, it’s a primitive, futile wish — all the more reason that we’re grateful for the few glimpses our partner helps us get.

There are two ways to pull your partner closer to you. One involves getting to know your partner better. Be more curious: ask about those gaps in your mate’s life. Ask about what today felt like, instead of what happened. Find out why a certain movie, word or sweater is so meaningful. Discover another movie, word or sweater that has meaning you didn’t know about.

The second way to pull a partner closer involves spending time together. There’s just no substitute for sharing experiences, even trivial ones. Keeping someone company (without being asked) or inviting someone to join you (before she or he offers) conveys a powerful message that you desire their companionship, and prefer it to other things — the TV, telephone or alone time.

If you do spend time with your partner, focus on what you like about them. And if you do talk, tell the truth. The harder it is to do it, the more important it is. Don’t forget to laugh together.

And if you can’t figure out anything else, say, “I want us to feel closer.” That’s the clearest message of all.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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