Archive for 2010

19
May


If you enjoy sex, you run the risk of discovering you like something you didn’t know you did.

It could be a nasty fantasy, being touched in a certain place or way, being spoken to in a particular style, maybe even treating your lover differently than usual. Every day, lovers somewhere, someplace, are discovering their anuses, incest fantasies, enjoyment of spanking, and the sexiness of little white socks.

Unfortunately, many people feel bad about what they discover. We reject what feels good because it doesn’t seem wholesome, or manly, womanly, or hetero. Some of us try to avoid fantasies that excite us because they don’t seem “normal.” We won’t explore games that challenge our self-image. And we refuse to admit preferences or curiosity that we fear will lead to rejection.

It’s sad to repudiate newly-discovered parts of ourselves. Sexuality is either a journey of continuing discovery, or a finite set of routines that eventually become predictable. We don’t need to be open to every bizarre idea that flits across our mind, but openness to the discovery of new sexual treats, even by accident, is important.

Besides, fear of learning about our erotic selves demands so much attention during sex, it limits both our physical experience and emotional connection.

Sexually, there’s nothing new: the Romans enjoyed S/M, the Greeks celebrated bisexuality, and the Bible is a hotbed of non-monogamous lust. Fear of our eroticism is old, too. Many suitors feared the fantasies Cleopatra awakened in them. Even 1600 years ago, St. Augustine wasn’t the first to announce he feared where his sexuality was taking him. He invented a God as frightened of sex as he.

Don’t pin your self-image — as normal, or non-slut, middle-aged, or whatever — on cutting off part of your fantasies or experience. All that kinky stuff you might discover — sensitive male nipples, a taste for blindfolds, smelling your partner’s armpits or underwear — excites lots of other people, too. You don’t really think you actually invented some new sexual thing, do you?

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
12
May


Lubricants are just about a lover’s best friend.

Lubricants make intercourse easier, help maximize pleasure, are essential for hand jobs and keep condoms from tearing.

They’re especially helpful in a variety of situations. For example, as women get older, their natural lubrication becomes thinner, and there’s often less of it. Similarly, medications such as birth-control pills and antihistamines can make it harder to lubricate.

When playing rough, tiny genital tears can be prevented with a lubricant. During menstruation, tampons often absorb everything — lubrication as well as menstrual flow — so again, it’s lube to the rescue. And for many men, masturbating without a lubricant is like, uh, an awfully dry hand stroking a dry penis. Not only is this less interesting, it can actually hurt.

Today, your supermarket carries more brands of lubricants than brands of milk. Each one is slightly different, varying in consistency, smell or germ-fighting ingredients. It can be lots of fun to buy a bunch of lubes and discover which you like best. Flavored? Odorless? Bacteriocidal?

It’s all a matter of individual preference, with one exception — oil and latex do not mix. An oil-based lubricant will destroy condoms, so use only water-soluble products with them. This is also good advice for any lube that goes inside the vagina or anus — use something that’s easy to wash out with soap and water.

Some people resist using a lubricant because they feel that lubes represent a failure — either his failure to excite her enough, or her failure to produce enough. This is an unfortunate attitude.

A woman’s lubrication is a function of many things, only one of which is her excitement. Her lubrication is never a measure of her or her partner’s competence. Indeed, experienced lovers use lubricants regardless of what a woman produces on her own. They appreciate the variety, the ease of use and the sheer playfulness of the stuff.

In fact, people have been known to enjoy playing around with their hands, genitals and lubricant so much, they forget to have intercourse. It happens, although I’ve never heard anyone complain.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
7
May


May 7th was National Masturbation Day. Did you miss it? Go ahead and celebrate today.

Since almost all adults and children give themselves sexual pleasure, the day is an opportunity for us to come out of the closet. But you won’t find any Hallmark cards or office picnics commemorating the day. It seems that most Americans would rather admit to having sex with their dog than admit to having sex with themselves.

We have no respect for masturbation. To begin with, the word comes from the Latin masturbatus: “to defile with the hand.” In today’s vernacular, when we want to tell someone to quit wasting time, we say, “Stop jerking off.”

What’s more, for 1,800 years of Christian theology we have been deliberately misled to think that the Bible denounces masturbation. In fact, there’s nothing in the Bible prohibiting masturbation. When Onan angered God by spilling his seed, he wasn’t masturbating; he was interrupting intercourse to prevent impregnating his dead brother’s widow.

Americans are uncomfortable about masturbation because we’re ambivalent about sexual pleasure that isn’t redeemed by romantic love. And, of course, we’re all taught that the point of sex is procreation, not recreation.

But this flies in the face of our personal experience. Masturbation feels good. It’s part of how babies learn to control their little hands (imagine that discovery!); years later, it’s how most of us continue learning about our sexuality. And women, in particular, can teach themselves to orgasm by practicing with a vibrator, pillow, running water or their own hand.

Adults use masturbation in many ways: to pleasure ourselves, comfort ourselves, maintain our erotic independence, experiment with new sensations, educate our partners. Masturbation isn’t a substitute for sex; it is sex — sex, as Woody Allen said, with someone you love. Or, as Betty Dodson says, “sex for one.”

As a sex therapist, I never ask couples if they masturbate. I’ve learned how horrified many people are to acknowledge their private habit. Instead, I ask people if they think their mate masturbates. It’s often the beginning of an intimate conversation they didn’t expect to have.

There are so many good things about masturbation.

Masurbation Tips and Facts:

• Experiment with lubricants and toys for some new feelings.

• Invite your partner to pleasure himself or herself while you hold and stroke him or her.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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