Archive for 2010

2
May


You probably have sex for many different reasons. And depending on your mood, circumstances, relationship and other factors, you probably want different things from sex at different times.

Are you aware of this? Do you change your sexual activity to get what you want from it?

If you want to feel warm and close, for example, agreeing to hang from the chandeliers might lead to turning off in the middle of sex. Similarly, if you’ve been bossed around at work all week, warm and romantic sex may simply feel too controlled. A raunchy video, nasty language, or creative roleplay may appeal much more.

People often have sex for reasons they don’t like to admit: to feel like a real man or real woman, to feel normal or competent, to keep a partner from straying (or to disguise the fact that they’re straying), to escape from problems or cure insomnia, even to avoid talking about something serious (“Oh honey, let’s not fight. Come to bed”).

The point isn’t that some reasons are better than others, but rather that couples sometimes have very different agendas for their sex. The criticism that can follow (“Why are you so uptight?” “Why must you be so kinky?”) is often hurtful rather than productive.

Think of it this way: fast food and luxurious dinners both have their place. But trying to get a gourmet experience from McDonalds or a quick bite at the Ritz will lead to disappointment and conflict. The problem isn’t with Big Macs or canapés, it’s with trying to get something from a place that can’t give it to you.

If you’re feeling frustrated about the sex you and your mate have, ask yourself what you want from sex, and then ask if the sex you’re creating could satisfy those needs. If not, it’s time to do something else. Experiment with new things, stop doing what you don’t want to, ask your partner to change, or all of the above.

Just don’t blame sex. It’s there to serve you.

To get more of what you want in bed, remember:

  • “I don’t want to” is a sufficient reason to say no.
  • Sexual experimentation isn’t right or wrong. It’s either attractive or uninteresting at this time with this partner.
  • Talk with your mate to discover reasons you each have for lovemaking that are compatible.

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Category : Blog
25
Apr


For those who have them, multiple orgasms are typically a source of pleasure and even amazement. For those who don’t, they’re often a non-issue. For others, they can be a holy grail that is envied and earnestly chased.

Multiple orgasms are possible for women because unlike men, women have no refractory period — that mandatory reloading time after orgasm, before arousal can build and make another orgasm possible. For all our culture’s talk of penis envy, this is the sexual aspect of women that many men envy.

A small number of men apparently are able to have multiple orgasms by separating orgasm from ejaculation — that is they have a sexual climax without the ejaculation that wilts the penis and triggers the refractory period. Several popular books claim to teach this ability, but my clinical experience suggests that virtually no man can accomplish this.

Just as different women prefer different pathways to orgasm — emphasizing vaginal or clitoral or G-spot stimulation — women also take different pathways to multiple orgasm. But even with the perfect stimulation, some women can only do this when they’re in a certain part of their menstrual cycle, or with a certain partner (someone they love, say, or someone they don’t), when they’re especially relaxed or horny, or when the moon is full.

Many women can’t even predict when it’ll happen. They kind of get scooped up by a runaway erotic train, hang on for the ride, and come back to earth when it’s done.

How can you make this experience more likely? First, you have to know how to have one orgasm. If you don’t, read Lonnie Barbach’s For Yourself. Then you need to learn to tolerate increasing amounts of sexual stimulation while you’re sensitive from having just climaxed. Try slow, deep breathing, while getting slow, gentle (or firm, it’s your call) stimulation.

Think of yourself as sinking into an erotic valley rather than climbing an erotic mountain. Hopefully, your arousal will gradually increase as your post-orgasm sensitivity subsides. When you feel another orgasm start to take over, well, you know what to do then.

Then there’s only one question: when do you stop climaxing and start eating, sleeping or working?

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Category : Blog
18
Apr


Most of us don’t freely admit it, but kissing can be the most intimate erotic activity.

You can fantasize about someone else during intercourse, you can tune out a person giving you head, but it’s extremely difficult to ignore someone whose tongue is redecorating the inside of your mouth.

Kissing involves smell, taste, pressure, nonstop communication, and absolute physical proximity — a combination that most other sexual activities can’t match. The other person is so close he can’t be ignored.

Most adolescents love to kiss, but begin to lose interest when genital sex becomes an option. Pity. Kissing can be a satisfying way to have a profound and sexy conversation with someone.

Why do people let it slip away? Partly, its very intimacy can be a little daunting. When you’re kissing, there’s nowhere to hide. In fact, kissing can be an intimacy gauge. Kissing a partner we don’t like, especially an enthusiastic one, can be an awful experience.

Then there’s the issue of style. What if you and your partner like to kiss in different ways? It’s as if one of you is doing the mambo while the other waltzes. Some people prefer subtle and gradual — the stealth tongue approach. Others are more direct and even overpowering — the invading army approach. Neither approach is wrong, but each can be unpleasant to someone who wants something different.

Breath also plays a big role in couples’ kissing compatibility. If she doesn’t like the way he smells or vice versa, kissing can quickly disappear from the repertoire. In fact, since kissing puts us so close to another person, things like dirty hair, scratchy beard, nose hairs and scented makeup can all become key issues in reducing the desire to kiss.

As in many parts of sex, communication is key to getting the kissing thing together. Tell your partner what you like and dislike, and give specific examples. Yes, give each other a kissing clinic, experimenting, evaluating, and letting your partner know when you like what you’re getting.

Approach bad breath without apology. “I want to kiss you more, and would if your mouth smelled differently.” Offer to brush together as a prelude to affection or even sex.

If you don’t want to kiss your mate, that’s a different — and very troubling — story. Losing interest in kissing often indicates deep relationship problems, and is a strong predictor, in my experience, of sexual boredom or incompatibility. Because it’s so intimate and so potentially rewarding, a kissing mismatch should not be ignored. Raise the painful topic with your mate, or see a professional.

Kissing is supposedly how God gets people so close that they can’t see each other’s flaws. If you’re aware of how your partner isn’t satisfying you, talk it over as soon as possible. It will be difficult, but then you’ll have all that great kissing to look forward to.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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