Archive for 2010

3
Nov


This week’s topic is cunnilingus — pleasuring a woman’s vulva with your mouth.

Although there are lots of slang names and funny stories about the practice, it’s something that many, many people love. And since both parties frequently enjoy it equally, I don’t usually talk about “giving” and “receiving” cunnilingus. I prefer discussing how people share it.

One of the best things about cunnilingus is that it’s a kind of sex that requires neither an erection nor birth control. Many women say it’s the best (or only) way for them to orgasm. It can, of course, be extremely intimate, and for people with chronic pain in their wrists, hips or elsewhere, it may be a particularly comfortable way to be sexual.

Another thing people like about oral sex is that it’s a chance to stimulate the clitoris directly, which can create intense pleasure for one or both partners. And believe it or not, ladies, your partner probably enjoys your smell and taste — in some cases, wildly enjoys it. If your partner says this is true, believe it. Why else would s/he be so enthusiastic?

While some people who do the licking are quite proud of their technique, others feel uncertain or insecure. As with virtually all things sexual, the main trick is to ask your partner: What do you like? How, exactly, would you like me to do it? How can I tell when you’re really enjoying it? Will you please tell me if you’d like it differently?

Another trick is to make sure you’re comfortable when you start. A neck or knees that start out bent at a funny angle will soon ache — and make you wish that your partner would hurry up and climax. A woman whose body is chilly while she’s being nibbled will find it hard to let go and really enjoy the attention.

Many women shy away from cunnilingus. Why? Various women report that they feel self-conscious about their smell or taste, fear that their vulva is unattractive, feel pressure to orgasm quickly, don’t like losing face-to-face intimacy, or simply don’t believe their partner enjoys it too. This is a shame. You don’t have to look like a model to taste good.

You and your partner can create plenty of intimacy with sounds and caresses. And most of us — male and female alike — could use some practice just lying back and sharing our body. It’s hard to tune out that voice that says, “I’m being selfish, and my partner’s bored,” but good sex depends on it.

Never blow in the vagina, as this could cause medical problems. Other than that, pretty much anything goes — licking (every which way, varying the pressure), gentle sucking (very gentle), chewing (more gums than teeth), humming (deep notes are best), and the occasional finger for variety.

If your partner smells stronger than you’d like, get a warm, damp washcloth and prepare her shrine for worship. Thank her for the opportunity to serve her. She’ll never forget it.

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Category : Blog
27
Oct


Role-playing involves a special relationship to sexual fantasy. It requires that you consciously acknowledge your fantasy, and that you share that fantasy with a partner who consents to participate in it.

The simplest kind of role-playing involves a person pretending to be different than he or she typically is. A meek person may pretend to be demanding; a voracious person may pretend to be inhibited.

Some role-playing involves specific roles or even scripts: doctor/patient, queen/foreign prince, Barbra Streisand/Ross Perot. Couples can simply imagine themselves in these roles and speak a sentence or two about them. “You haven’t had a checkup in two years. I better examine your prostate.” Or they can get more involved, speaking in role for most of the sexual encounter. A few simple props such as an apron or baseball cap can make these games even more engaging.

Erotic role-playing requires certain psychological and relationship tools. You have to believe that you’re eligible to step outside the usual limits of your everyday personality. You have to not care how you look or sound. You have to transcend the idea that certain words, behaviors, or attitudes belong only to people who are “sexy.” You and your mate have to trust that you won’t be judged by each other.

Another challenge involves reentering real life after role-playing. The couple who can look at each other after playing mentor’s wife/apprentice and agree that “we can do anything we want, now let’s go make dinner” have an important tool for keeping their relationship exciting.

Role-playing contains no predictions about how people really wish to behave; in fact, the contrary is often true. Role-playing is a safe arena in which to live another life without any of its disadvantages.

Ultimately, erotic role-playing is a way to celebrate two of our most divine gifts: imagination and sexuality.

Tips:

  • If you’re not sure how your mate will handle your fantasies, ask about it when you’re not in bed.
  • If your role-play involves power games, decide on a word that means “I need to stop the game for a minute.”
  • Don’t assume you know what your mate really wants in life based on fantasies or role-play.

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Category : Blog
20
Oct


Many people who go to relationship therapy refer to anger as a negative emotion. Although experiences with anger are terribly painful for many people, what’s negative isn’t the anger, but rather how we deal with it.

Anger itself is neutral. It’s a source of information. It’s a motivation to communicate or change. And if discussed productively (yes, that’s a big if), it almost always leads to more intimacy. So anger is a valuable part of relationships.

There are three basic reasons to communicate that you’re angry:

1. To share information: “When you flirt at parties, it makes me feel left out.”

2. To ask for change: “I want you to agree to be on time from now on.”

3. To hurt someone: “I’d enjoy sex more with someone else anyway.”

How you express your anger should be determined by your goal. If you want to be better understood, or want to change the relationship, you need to express yourself in a cooperative way—which can be difficult when you’re feeling angry.

One of the ways couples get in trouble is with the unspoken agreement that as soon as someone is angry, he can express himself in a rude or hurtful way. Unless your goal is specifically to hurt someone, you never have the right to talk hurtfully. Your own anger is no excuse.

To put it another way, express your anger as if you expect to continue the relationship after your anger has subsided.

This takes discipline. People frequently say things like, “but I have a hot Italian/Irish/African/Danish/fill-in-the-blank/ temper, and when I get angry I just lose it.” Wrong: There is no such thing as a “temper.” A temper is what we call it when people relinquish responsibility for how they express themselves.

Make a promise to express your anger responsibly, as part of the ongoing relationship, rather than a disruption of it or exception to it.

Although anger is not a sign of love, anger is an inevitable part of loving relationships. Discuss your anger with your partner as lovingly and consciously as you discuss joy and pleasure.

Tips:

  • Don’t make important decisions while you’re very angry.
  • If you’re angry, don’t act like an angry person; say, “I’m angry.”

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Category : Blog
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