Archive for 2010

13
Oct


What would you put in a time capsule to be opened a century from now if the subject were sexuality? How would you represent our eroticism? What objects would you use to help future generations understand us — and, for that matter, to help your partners understand you?

Here, in no particular order, are some suggestions. Have fun adding your own.

• Vibrator: These started out as a way for women to learn about their bodies and enjoy themselves. Now, millions of couples use them to expand their repertoire beyond intercourse.

• Condom: An incredibly thin, strong device that prevents both unwanted pregnancy and disease. Hard to believe they were illegal for unmarried Americans in the last century.

• Tampon: A perfect example of how life is easier when you’re willing to deal with sexuality and your body directly.

• Beer bottle: Too many people have their first sexual experience while they’ve been drinking. As a result, people often do things they regret. And, of course, it’s really hard to enjoy sex when you’re drunk.

• Electric bill: Representing the telephone, computer, VCR and other electronic ways we now express our sexuality.

• Porn film: Whether you enjoy them or not, they do show people smiling and enjoying what they’re doing — which is what we look like if we’re fortunate, and wish we did if we’re not.

• AIDS poster: AIDS has replaced Communism as the reason that people can’t enjoy themselves or trust each other. Interestingly, although most middle-class single people say it concerns them, most have never had a long, serious conversation with a partner about it. Honest conversation will always be more intimate — and therefore more difficult — than sex.

• Therapy bill: Sexuality is still the source of an enormous amount of emotional pain for many people. Whether because of childhood trauma, guilt, shame, and ignorance, or sexual dysfunction, millions of American men and women suffer about sex — and can’t seem to get the help they need.

• Mirror: One of the things that undermines sexual desire and enjoyment for many women is embarrassment or discomfort about their bodies. Unfortunately, many women have unrealistic ideas about how they’re supposed to look — or how their mates expect them to look.

• Lipstick: Remember when you used to love to kiss? As an adult, do you kiss as much as you like?

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Category : Blog
6
Oct


From Ann Landers to Oprah, everyone’s always urging us to communicate with our loved ones. But if you think that the main goal of communication is getting the other person to understand you, you’re probably feeling disappointed with the results.

Just about everyone wants to feel more understood. But if both partners in a conversation are working hard to be understood, who’s left to do the understanding?

In a troubled relationship, mates worry that they won’t get their turn to speak or to explain themselves. Thus, they verbally push and shove, cutting each other off, insisting the other person listen to them. If someone didn’t get enough listening as a child, the reminder of this in adulthood makes things even more difficult.

Relationships work so much better when both people know they’ll each get a turn to speak regardless of who goes first. It’s easier to listen when you trust that your mate wants to understand you. And the sooner your partner feels understood, the sooner s/he will be ready to work hard to understand you.

How do you pursue understanding your mate?

• Don’t try to make your mate feel better right away.

• Ask how s/he feels, and keep asking until you understand.

• When you think you know, tell your mate how you think s/he feels.

• If you’re not completely right, ask for more information. If you are, ask what your mate wants.

• Don’t try to fix your mate’s problem unless you’re specifically asked.

Understanding others doesn’t mean agreeing with them or giving them what they want. Conveying that you understand simply puts the two of you in the best possible position to discover your actual differences (as opposed to the differences you think you have), as well as the interests you have in common. Then you can resolve those differences as easily as possible.

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Category : Blog
29
Sep


People have a variety of reasons for not communicating about sex. These include lack of vocabulary, feeling intimidated, anxiety and hostility.

One reason that women frequently give is “I don’t want to bruise his male ego.” To that I say, ladies, bruise away.

Information is critical to sexual satisfaction. Men need to know where and how you like to be touched, what your different sounds (and your silence) mean, when you’re ready, when you’re uninterested and when you want more.

Somehow, many women have gotten the idea that men can’t stand to get this information from them. They think mind reading, trial and error, or even ignorance is preferable.

Granted, some men can’t stand to admit that there’s anything they don’t know about sex. But most men will tell you they’re eager to know more about their partner’s body and sexuality. These guys are dying to know what makes a woman experience desire, arousal and satisfaction.

How can you convey this information? Words are great, of course. Some people prefer to talk in bed. “Honey, I’d love this.” Or “Bob, I’d prefer that slower.” Perhaps you feel more comfortable talking at another time, like while driving: “You know, Juan, when you put your fingers inside me, some lube would make it even nicer.”

Nonverbal communication works well too, as long as both partners understand it. So put your hand on his and move it the way you want it, or gently take his hand away from a place you don’t like it and put it somewhere you do. Or sigh when he licks you just right. But if you find these gestures don’t work, talking is probably required.

And what of the fragile male ego? There’s no need to be mean or insensitive when you communicate. Focus on the positive by describing what you like more than what you don’t. And assume that your mate wants to know how to make sex more rewarding for both of you. If he doesn’t, you have a much bigger problem than lack of orgasm or unsatisfying sexual technique.

Start your exploration of intimacy here:

  • If you like to communicate with moans and other sounds, ask your partner what he thinks you mean by them.
  • If you’re unsure how best to communicate, ask your partner (out of bed) how he wants you to tell him.
  • Asking “would you like to tell me some stuff about your sexuality” is sometimes the best way to open a conversation about what you’d like.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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