Archive for November 9th, 2011

9
Nov


No one can be in two places at once. Therefore, if you want to be present during sex, you have to let go of both the past and future. You may not want — or be able — to let go permanently, but you need the ability to let go for an hour. Let’s look at four things to let go of.

First, let go of how your body used to be. Honey, none of us is getting any younger, and I know our (fill in the blank) used to be firmer, higher, smaller. Well, it isn’t now, and both you and your lover need to accept that. Any energy you put into sucking in your belly, hiding your butt, or pretending you don’t look exactly the way you do is energy taken away from the good sex you could be having.

Second, let go of comparing yourself to your partner’s ex-lovers. Needing to be the “best” is almost as destructive as needing to be the “only.” During lovemaking many of us focus more on our partner’s ex- than on our partner, in a perverse mental threesome that nobody enjoys. Teach your partner to make you feel like the world’s most important lover, and learn how to feel that way when he or she does. Be gracious. It’s an art.

Third, let go of worrying what your partner will think of you later. We all look silly during sex — if we’re enjoying ourselves. And if we’re fortunate, and our partner is fortunate, we will squeal, beg, fart, suck, demand, drool and lose track of time, space, grammar and our hands. Decide before you begin that this is OK, or don’t bother taking off your clothes.

Fourth, let go of any trauma you have previously suffered around sexuality. Difficult? Of course. Perhaps the most difficult thing you’ve ever done. Possible? Certainly; the human spirit is incredibly resilient. Scary? Definitely, so professional help may be appropriate.

Make sure you hire someone who wants to get you over the trauma, rather than keep you in it. Time-consuming? Probably. So better get going right now. Good sex is waiting — in the present.

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