While the subject of infidelity has always been of interest, modern changes in technology and social arrangements have made the issue more complicated than ever.

One prominent change, of course, is that almost all environments in America are now mixed-gender: workplaces, shopping malls, gyms, cultural and social institutions.

In addition, technology has given us many new ways of communicating and connecting erotically with others, such as the telephone, VCR, computer, Internet and digital camera. Thus, questions such as “is it an affair?” and “is it infidelity?” are no longer easily answered.

For example, say you’re having phone sex with a paid stranger, or cyber sex with someone you just “met” online. Your mate walks in, sees this, and becomes hurt or angry, accusing you of infidelity. In the hundreds of stories I’ve heard like this, responses range from “it isn’t sex, so I wasn’t unfaithful” to “since it didn’t involve touching, don’t be upset.”

When couples bring such a dilemma to me, I never define whether one of them has been unfaithful. Such a judgment can only be made in the context of an agreement. Clearly, some couples have a contract in which even looking at a Victoria’s Secret catalog is a violation. Other relationships tolerate even erotic touching of others, as long as there is no emotional involvement. So the first — and scariest — question is how each partner interprets the couple’s fundamental agreement.

Couples in distress frequently ask me what kind of arrangement I think they should have: strictly monogamous, slightly open, technologically open (cyber-sex OK, neighbor-sex forbidden), etc. This is another question I rarely answer, although I encourage people to talk about what they really want, as opposed to what they’re willing to settle for.

Ultimately, the actual agreement couples reach is less important than the fact that both partners agree to it enthusiastically, and feel optimistic about keeping it. People who feel pushed into accepting a relationship that’s either more or less restrictive than they want often find themselves undermining the agreement, consciously or not.

Couples who have the courage to face their disagreements in this area eventually end up with a stronger relationship — whether with each other or with someone else.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Health issues affect our sexuality in a variety of ways, including hormones, chronic pain, stamina, depression and body image. One of the most common health issues affecting our sexuality is prescription medication.

Most medications have side effects. When these are minimal or trivial, we ignore them. But some side effects are major. And when they affect your sexual functioning, ignoring them is difficult.

The most common unwanted effects that drugs have on sexuality involve reduced desire, limited arousal and inhibited or impossible orgasm. Here are common sexual side effects of some popular medications:

Antidepressants:inhibited arousal and orgasm

Antihypertensives: inhibited erection

Anti-inflammatories: inhibited erection, difficult orgasm, increased skin sensitivity

Ulcer medication: limited desire, inhibited erection

Birth control pills: limited desire, decreased lubrication

Like most things involving sex, doctors and patients don’t talk much about the sexual side effects of drugs. In fact, physicians don’t even discuss it much with each other, although issues like Viagra and AIDS are beginning to change that.

Since doctors don’t routinely raise the subject, you have to. Just as you might ask if a drug you’ve just been prescribed will make you drowsy or give you gas, ask if other patients experience sexual side effects from the medication you’ll soon be taking. Don’t worry about making your doctor uncomfortable: s/he’s just hired help, remember?

When you and your doctor work together, the sexual side effects of drugs can be decreased or eliminated. Several strategies can accomplish this:

• Change to a different brand of drugs, or one that works differently.
• Take an additional drug to reduce the first one’s sexual side effects.
• Change the way you take the drug. For example, take it in the morning instead of the evening, or six days a week instead of seven.

Physicians and pharmaceutical companies have still not learned that sexual side effects are an important reason that people don’t take their medicine the way they should. It’s up to us to educate the health-care industry about the importance of sexual side effects, so that professionals will talk about it and think about it much more than they currently do.

If we don’t push them, why should they think that change is necessary?

Popularity: unranked [?]

Apologies are offered and accepted regularly in successful relationships. The question is, what are you —or your partner—apologizing for?

Meaningful apologies can have several different goals:

• Acknowledging a partner’s pain
• Acknowledging your role in that pain
• Implying you’ll try hard to avoid doing the hurtful thing again
• Requesting a resumption of warm feelings

Not every apology, however, is meaningful. When people say “I’m sorry,” and don’t know what they’re sorry for, the apology is a mere formality. It neither examines the present nor addresses the future. But people do it because they feel uncomfortable with a partner’s resentment or hurt, or they’re eager to resume friendly relations. An apology seems like the entry fee.

Similarly, people often say “I’m sorry,” but then explain why you’re wrong to be upset, or why they aren’t responsible for your pain. They make excuses: “I was really tired” or “things happen.” Such an apology acknowledges your discomfort, but does nothing to assure you that things will go differently next time. There isn’t much solace in this apology.

We should hesitate to accept such apologies. If the apologizer doesn’t know why you’re upset, and can’t give you confidence that he probably won’t do the same upsetting thing again in similar circumstances, why should you comfort the apologizer? By accepting an apology, you’re saying that he’s taken responsibility and you’re ready for reconciliation to begin. This removes the healthy pressure for him to examine what he’s done, the nature of the relationship and your respective needs.

On the other hand, some people take advantage of their status as the wronged party. They drag out the process of describing their wound: “If you don’t know, I’m not saying.” Sometimes they even deny they’re upset: “What’s the matter?” “Nothing.” These strategic moves are part of a power struggle, typically played by people who feel powerless.

Couples need terms of reconciliation, sanction and surrender for the myriad of conflicts, hurt feelings, passive hostilities and thoughtlessness that litter a relationship. People need to see these structures and routines as tools to make life smoother, not as things to use against each other.

Apologizing is an ongoing, normal activity in healthy relationships. Sometimes it’s an event, sometimes a process. Used in perspective, with an appropriate dose of humor, it can deepen intimacy.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Photo courtesy of Pixel*

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 163? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 165? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday January 22nd @ 11:59pm Pacific.

*Pleasurists just started accepting photo submissions for the art at the top of editions! For more information click here.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Giveaway: Ashley Vibe Deadline: January 21st.
• Pop Plug Giveaway Deadline: January 22nd.
• Couples Game Giveaway! Winners choice! Deadline: January 23rd.
• Win an Icicles No. 8 Glass Toy! Deadline: January 27th.
• Dildo Giveaway! Deadline: February 1st.
• FunWares Valentine’s Giveaway Deadline: February 4th.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

• Vibratex Mystic Wand by Marilyn Beckett
• My Fixation Couples Vibe & Panty by Lucid Obsession
• Leaf Touch by buzzvibe
• Leaf Fresh by Beanfiddler
• Leaf Spirit by Lucid Obsession
• Leaf Spirit by True Pleasures
• Love Handle by Karen Blue
• JimmyJane Form 4 by Female Gspot
• LELO Tiani by Karen Blue
• LELO Tiani by Lucid Obsession
• LELO Liv by Red Vinyl Kitty
• LELO Gigi by Ladytoybox
• LELO Sensemotion Comparison by Lucid Obsession
• Pretty Pearl G Spot by Bzzingbee
• Bedroom Eyes Mascara Vibrator by Kitty Stryker
• PicoBong Ipo by Willow Wand
• Jopen Intensity by Mistress Kay
• Shivers by Sea of Neptune
• Fun Factory G4 Elegance by BashfulBabe
• Ladygasm Orgasm Accelerator by Jinx
• Onye Galerie Petite by Lucid Obsession
• Bswish Begee Deluxe by Vanille

Dildos

• Double Digits by Red Vinyl Kitty
• John Holmes UR3 Realistic Dildo by Amber from Scarlet’s Letter
• First Mate by the bedroom blogger
• Stainless Steel Pleasure Lover by Ginger Leigh

Anal Toys

• Crystal Delights Plug by the bedroom blogger
• Up & Down Anal Pleaser by Jnuts
• PicoBong Tano by Jnuts

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

• Fleshlight Ice Lady Crystal by Mistress Kay
• Tantus Vibrating C-Ring by Karen Blue
• RingO by True Pleasures
• LELO Oden by Nanixe

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Sliquid Organics Natural by Pixel
• Sensuous Beauty Divine Facial Moisturizer by buzzvibe
• Strawberry Weekender Kit by padme amidala

Adult Books/Games

• Bondage Seductions by Mistress Kay
• Tickle My Tush by Kate
• Girls Who Bite by Vanille

Adult DVDs & Porn

• Girls Gone Weird Volume 1 by J.D. Bauchery
• Story of She by J.D. Bauchery
• Love on the Beach by J.D. Bauchery
• Private Paare Ganz Intim 3 by Ginger Leigh
• Bubble Butt Spanking #2 by J.D. Bauchery

Lingerie

• Santa’s Sexy Little Helper by Mistress Kay
• Coquette Starburst Underwire Babydoll by Silverdrop

Miscellaneous

• Betty Harness by Kitty Stryker
• Pin-Up Vibe & Bombshell Balm by Bzzingbee

Popularity: 1% [?]

Jimmyjane’s Form design collection is characterized by sleek designs that challenge and tease the user’s imagination. I was looking for more odd shapes and features when I came across Form 4, another design in the series.

At first, I couldn’t believe it belonged in the Form series because it is the only one that looks and feels like a vibrator. Although the design still has a discreet but quirky edge to it, the user does not have to guess what it does. With the Form 4, you don’t have to rack your brain trying to figure out how to use it. It’s an insertable vibrator that can also function as a clitoral stimulator.

Best Features

1. Soft But Firm

The Form 4 still has the patented platinum silicone body that the other Jimmyjane vibrators in the Form series are known for. It’s not so soft that you hardly feel anything when you use it like you would a vibrator, but it’s flexible enough that you can comfortably slide it in with minimal lubrication. Despite its hourglass appearance, the soft silicone plus the firm yield of the body feels more like the real thing than many vibrators out there that simply looks like a man’s penis.

2. Excellent Vibrations

As a clitoral stimulator, this vibrator takes the cake. The vibrations are intense, and there are four different vibration intensity levels to choose from. The first is the straightforward mode where you get steady vibration intensity. You can mix it up by playing with the three other modes that vary the pulsation pace and escalate the vibrations.

Sure, other vibrator brands can arguably give more intense pulses, but what I like about Form 4 is that you can grip it comfortably and rotate the rounded tip around the clitoris to your liking. What I like to do is to press the groove, or the point where the hourglass-shaped area starts, on the clitoral area and let the top rounded part massage the external part of the vagina for additional sensation.

3. The Bulb-like Top Part Feels Awesome Inside

I was a bit iffy about inserting it, probably because the whole thing measures 5 inches in length, and you can only insert up to 4 inches of the body. In other words, it’s a shallow insert, and if length is a qualification for you, the Form 4 may disappoint you. But when I used it as an insertable vibrator, I can feel the benefits of the hourglass shape.

It’s exciting to insert the top part because it’s thick, but the pleasure really magnifies after you insert the whole body. The fold of your vagina will close over the hourglass area, relaxing the external labia while the bulbous top part does its magic inside. The outer part of your vagina can relax and you can avoid the pain of that area being distended (like what happens during penetration), while the bulbous top part vibrates and pushes against the general area of the g spot in a way that no ordinary vibrator can do.

4. Perfect for Travelling

Like many Jimmyjane vibrators, this one does not look like a traditional vibrator. If you’re going on vacation, or you’re just going swimming with your boyfriend, you can bring the Form 4 without being embarrassed when someone accidentally sees the tool inside your bag. The waterproof feature will also come in handy when you want to do it in the water or under the shower. You may get a few snide comments from friends about bringing your very own bowling pin with you, but no one will really guess that it’s a vibrator unless you yourself tell.

The Form 4 comes with its own charging base. The Form 4 has a flat bottom, so it’s easy enough to place it on the base and watch it charge immediately. You can leave it on there until you use it, and it won’t overcharge.

Some Complaints About the Form 4

I’ve read some users complain about the Form 4 being too short and unable to reach their G spot. This reaction is expected because every woman differs in anatomy, and there may be some women who have extremely high g-spot position. But generally, I think four inches of vibrating firm silicone will definitely hit the spot.

Another complaint I read is about the vibration intensity. This vibrator is not as powerful as some others that have come before it, but the vibrations and pulses are regular and intense enough to give the orgasm you crave. Besides, this problem can easily be solved if you’re using the Form 4 as a clitoral stimulation tool. You can simply press the top around the most sensitive area and rotate it gently as you increase the vibration mode to maximum (level 5) to feel the vibrations directly where you want them.

Popularity: 1% [?]

What is intimacy and why are some of us so uncomfortable with it?

No single definition of intimacy can satisfy everyone, but here’s one that works for many people: intimacy is the feeling of being known. It’s a feeling that someone else knows your true self, and the trust that there’s a joint commitment to maintaining your connection even when it’s difficult.

Intimacy takes many forms: verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual. A relationship is all the more powerful — and intimate — when it features more than one of these forms.

Unfortunately, people may focus on different aspects of intimacy. I often hear couples complain that one is only interested in sex while the other is only interested in talking.

Everyone needs intimacy. It is so stressful for people to feel isolated that they inevitably find ways of connecting with others — even if it’s only over whiskey with strangers in a bar.

Not everyone is aware that they need intimacy. Some people are so defended against their fear of dependence, exposure or loss, that they truly believe they need no one. Sadly, they are just fooling themselves.

When relationships are troubled by serious problems with sex, affection, nagging or chronic conflict, the cause is frequently a power struggle about intimacy.

What forms will it take? What are acceptable limits? What will people have to pay in order to get what they need? In healthy relationships, people discuss these questions in various ways, and they are flexible enough to accommodate each other’s needs.

In unhealthy relationships, people attack, criticize and blame each other for the mess they’re in, rather than seeing their mess as a joint creation.

People face a fundamental dilemma: we need intimacy, but we’re afraid of it. The way in which we handle this internal struggle defines our personality and relationship style.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Lubricants are just about a lover’s best friend.

Lubricants make intercourse easier, help maximize pleasure, are essential for hand jobs and keep condoms from tearing.

They’re especially helpful in a variety of situations. For example, as women get older, their natural lubrication becomes thinner, and there’s often less of it. Similarly, medications such as birth-control pills and antihistamines can make it harder to lubricate.

When playing rough, tiny genital tears can be prevented with a lubricant. During menstruation, tampons often absorb everything — lubrication as well as menstrual flow — so again, it’s lube to the rescue. And for many men, masturbating without a lubricant is like, uh, an awfully dry hand stroking a dry penis. Not only is this less interesting, it can actually hurt.

Today, your supermarket carries more brands of lubricants than brands of milk. Each one is slightly different, varying in consistency, smell or germ-fighting ingredients. It can be lots of fun to buy a bunch of lubes and discover which you like best. Flavored? Odorless? Bacteriocidal?

It’s all a matter of individual preference, with one exception — oil and latex do not mix. An oil-based lubricant will destroy condoms, so use only water-soluble products with them. This is also good advice for any lube that goes inside the vagina or anus — use something that’s easy to wash out with soap and water.

Some people resist using a lubricant because they feel that lubes represent a failure — either his failure to excite her enough, or her failure to produce enough. This is an unfortunate attitude.

A woman’s lubrication is a function of many things, only one of which is her excitement. Her lubrication is never a measure of her or her partner’s competence. Indeed, experienced lovers use lubricants regardless of what a woman produces on her own. They appreciate the variety, the ease of use and the sheer playfulness of the stuff.

In fact, people have been known to enjoy playing around with their hands, genitals and lubricant so much, they forget to have intercourse. It happens, although I’ve never heard anyone complain.

Tips:

• Put some lube inside a condom to create a tighter fit, and to increase the sensations of body heat.
• Take out and open the lube before you get too involved in sex.
• We use lubricants to enhance sexual pleasure, not because someone has failed.

Popularity: unranked [?]