How can you get closer to the one you’re with? By understanding the many ways to ignite intimacy.

Intimacy takes many forms: verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual, says Klein. A relationship is all the more powerful — and intimate — when it features more than one of these forms.

Begin your exploration of intimacy with the verbal variety. There are two revealing questions you must first ask of yourself, and then a third you must ask of a loved one.

Once you’ve considered your feelings about getting close, you’re ready to hear the truth about intimacy. Everyone from Oprah to your best friend to Aunt Mabel has a different definition of it, and they’re not always right.

After you put the myths about intimacy aside, you’re ready to draw your partner closer. Spend time getting to know your partner’s dreams and desires. Learn to nurture your relationship, and you’ll keep the sparks flying.

Enough talking. Isn’t sex a part of intimacy? Our readers want to know and we have the answer.

If there’s one thing sure to spoil intimacy, it’s jealously. While occasional pangs of the stuff are natural in most loving relationships,persistent jealously will put out the flame in hearts once afire.

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There’s something unusual about Richard Brent. It’s not that he’s been married for 16 years, nor that he doesn’t drink or smoke, or that he’s 40 and still sexually very fit. It’s neither his performance, nor his prowess that make him the subject of this story as well as a document of scientific research. It is rather the uniqueness of his experience of sex that makes Brent unusual.

For as long as he can remember, Richard Brent has been multiorgasmic.

Richard Brent:

I think I started masturbating when I was 4. I didn’t ejaculate, but I thought Hey, this feels good, why stop, let’s have another one. I mean, it’s like a roller-coaster ride. Why get off if you don’t have to? I didn’t realize until my early 20s that it was any different for anyone else.

Many men covet a woman’s natural capacity to have more than one orgasm. Some envy it so much that they pursue techniques promising to bring them to orgasm without ejaculating. Most involve isolating the pelvic muscles and squeezing them right at the point of ejaculation. Does mastering these techniques make a man multiorgasmic?

Richard Brent: “Erection and Ejaculation Are Two Different Things”

I used to listen to guys talk about how many times they could get it up in a night. When they came around to me, I said, Do you mean how many times can I come, or how many erections can I have? Because for me that’s two different things.

Brent calls the multiple orgasms he experiences uninhibited pleasure. He uses no techniques or tricks to stop himself from ejaculating as he experiences orgasm. A full ejaculation follows each and every orgasm. Brent’s sexual experience challenges the traditional concept of the male refractory period or down time, during which a man loses his erection and must wait before he can perform again sexually.

Richard Brent: “I Don’t Have to Work at It”

It’s not the same thing if you have to work at it. I’ve tried all the techniques and I know it’s not the same. All those methods involve interrupting pleasure. Men don’t like interrupting their pleasure. All men would rather they weren’t limited by the Male Refractory Period (MRP), and were capable of effortless multiple orgasm, possessing the same sexual potential and capacity as do females! After several orgasms, I get a natural high, probably from the release of endorphins.

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According to two recent studies, millions of Americans use one or more sex toys. We’re talking vibrators, dildos and butt plugs, as well as blindfolds, handcuffs and nipple clamps. We’ll leave whips and leather underwear for another discussion.

Like all technology, sex toys are an extension of the body. They are hands, tongues and genitalia that are bigger and stronger, and never tire. They are tools that help us give pleasure to ourselves and to each other.

Sex toys can be equally great for partner sex and masturbation. Any sex that can be improved by something that probes, stimulates, squeezes or alters sensation can be enhanced by a sex toy.

Unfortunately, some would-be users are self-conscious about feeling they need assistance. Others are concerned that their partner will feel inadequate. But this is like feeling self-critical that you need a comfortable chair to enjoy a movie. Our shyness about using sex toys really expresses the shame we feel about admitting we’re sexual in a sex-negative culture.

It’s no illusion. Until recently, for example, most national magazines refused vibrator advertising &3151; including Ms. magazine. And only last year, the state of Alabama criminalized the production or sale of “sexual devices marketed primarily for the stimulation of human genitals.”

Why the controversy about a 5-inch battery-powered piece of buzzing plastic? Sex toys are about sexual pleasure, not about reproduction or romantic love (although many romantic, loving people and couples use them).

A vibrator or nipple clamp in your hand is the smoking gun of pleasure — you simply can’t deny that getting off is exactly what you have in mind.

So sex toys are a vehicle for sexual empowerment; for learning about our eroticism, for pleasuring ourselves, for encouraging our partners to feel things more deeply. They are, literally, the way we take our sexuality into our own hands. No wonder so many authorities frown on sex toys and make us hide them under the covers. Using a sex toy is, after all, a political act.

And it feels damn good, too.

Tips:

• Talk to your partner about your interest in sex toys. Make the conversation fun, not scary.
• Remember, we use toys because we enjoy them, not because we “need to.”
• To find a source for your sex toys, search the Web (there are dozens of choices).

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Let’s talk positively about pornography

Last year, more than 500 million X-rated videos were rented in the United States. Unless this involves 500 perverts renting a million tapes each, porn consumers are a very, very large group. They are, in fact, us.Oprah, Jerry Springer, Ann Landers and self-appointed decency groups love to talk about the dangers of pornography: It warps your mind, destroys your marriage, steals your money and undermines America by turning regular people into dangerous animals.

Is this your experience?

There’s plenty to say about porn that isn’t being said. It’s fun. It makes masturbation hotter, heats you up for your partner, adds spice to a couple’s sex life, and makes many people feel more normal about their fantasies and preferences.

Perhaps most importantly, it validates a vision of sexual abundance and uninhibited playfulness. In porn-land, the actresses never say no, the actors never lose their erections, nobody’s ever too tired, angry, or nervous and the sex makes everybody smile.

A few fortunate people live like this. And some people explicitly reject such a world. The rest of us-the average Joe and Jane with kids, bills, bellies and sexual anxieties-desperately need a positive vision of sexuality. Men and women who have one need it validated; people who don’t need to get one.

It’s unfortunate that surgically enhanced actresses, improbable situations and silly dialogue are the main repository of the sex-positive narrative in this country. But it’s better than nothing.

Our culture is obsessed with narrowing people’s sexual options and compulsively repeating lies about sexual danger. Pornography is one of the few places the average person can go to behold positive, unapologetic eroticism.

When Washington, the Vatican, the TV networks, and the sexual disaster industry get together to provide a positive, loving picture of sexual abundance that will nourish people, “pornographic” excess will be left to cooking channels and home shopping networks. Until then, sexy videos, magazines and Victoria’s Secret will be a critical part of America’s mental health.

Don’t be ashamed of it.

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Men! Some doctors think a wholesome, health-boosting, fitness-building bicycle should carry a Surgeon General’s warning: “Ride at your own risk.”

The hard seat where you rest your tender tissues has been related to erection problems, and urologists have case files to prove it.

The cause is simple: Compression on the perineum – the area between the anus and the genitals – damages blood vessels, thus affecting blood flow.

Take precautions, but recognize there are no easy answers and no surefire solution.

“I do warn people, but I don’t say you need to give up this healthy activity,” says Dr. Richard Lieberman, an Allentown, Penn., urologist who frequently treats bicycle-caused erectile dysfunction. “Anyone who’s strapped into an automobile knows a lot of things have risks.”

Still, the impact of cycling on sexual health is a serious issue, says Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a Boston University urologist who’s done two studies on the subject and is a champion of radical redesign of bicycles.

Goldstein, who’s performed penile implant surgeries on cyclists as young as 18, has documented that as many as 5 percent of male cyclists experience erectile dysfunction of some kind.

“I’m not anti-bicycle. I’m pro-common sense,” he says. “If any other product on the market caused this much harm, it would have been banned long ago.”

Cycling also been implicated in conditions such as clitoral neuropathy (numbness), says Goldstein.

He is unimpressed by new designs of bicycles and bicycle seats. Goldstein’s ideal two-wheeler has a seat like a toilet seat and no metal bar in front.

But professionals disagree on this point. Lieberman says current designs are probably an improvement if people find them more comfortable.

Both doctors say these new products should undergo rigorous scientific testing — including measuring the blood flow of avid cyclists.

Terry Precision Cycling, which has five seats for men and six seats for women, has sold about 130,000 of its Liberator models since 1992. The most common design sports a 2-inch hole in the middle of the seat, intended to eliminate pressure on the perineum.

“Our intent was not to make a saddle that purports to cure impotence,” said Paula Dyba, vice president of marketing. “We don’t want to make medical claims. But we know we are making cyclists more comfortable. When we get letters from people saying they don’t experience numbness anymore, we know it must be positive.”

According to Lieberman, the following cannot guarantee you won’t run into problems, but they are measures worth taking:

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Our emotions affect our sexual functioning. It sounds obvious when you say it, but many people behave as if they don’t realize this.

Sexual response is a reflex. We perceive a physical or mental stimulus (say, a caress or a fantasy). This message travels to the brain, which sends a message down the spinal cord to various parts of the body, instructing them to respond with tingling, extra blood flow, etc.

Emotions are electrical and chemical events in the body. They either facilitate or disrupt the sex-related messages going up and down the spinal column. Thus, if your partner says, “your skin tastes good,” your emotions facilitate a sexual response. But if your partner calls you the wrong name, your emotions disrupt the sexual response. This is how common feelings such as anger, anxiety, sadness and frustration interfere with reflexes such as erection, lubrication and orgasm.

Many people tolerate negative emotions during sex in silence. Most men and women have experienced sex that made them feel uncomfortable. This could be due to anxiety about performance, fear or anger about being coerced, or sadness about having their needs ignored.

Bodies in these situations rarely respond in an ideal way. Unfortunately, people frequently blame themselves, rather than the situation, for their inadequate response. This is often the beginning of believing that they have a dysfunction. That leads to more anxiety during subsequent lovemaking, undermining sexual functioning even more.

Unlike computers, our bodies respond to irrational factors like expectations, memories and emotions. This means that being aware of our emotions is essential for satisfying sex. Your feelings may embarrass, surprise or confuse you, but they’re real, and their impact on sexual function is also real.

Penises and vulvas usually tell the truth: a frightened penis often shrivels; an angry vulva often tightens shut, and sad mouths rarely relax and enjoy kissing.

Admitting to yourself how you really feel may be uncomfortable, and discussing it with a partner may be even more uncomfortable. But there’s no substitute for connecting with yourself–or your partner–emotionally. It’s a key step toward healthy sexual functioning.

Tips: Before, during and after sex, don’t ignore how you feel just because you think it’s unromantic or inconvenient.Talk with your partner about feelings you have about sex, your body or your relationship. If you consistently feel bad about sex or your relationships, consider therapy.

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While an erection isn’t necessary for sexual satisfaction, most men and their partners do like having one around during sex. Not surprisingly, then, erection problems and rapid ejaculation are two of the most common problems in my practice.

One or more of the following common dynamics usually causes such problems:

Conditions: Do you have the conditions you need to get or keep erections? For various men, these include a sense of safety, trust, privacy, affection, relaxation and a partner’s enthusiasm.

Performance anxiety: Do you feel pressured to get erect quickly, or to maintain an erection until your partner climaxes? Do you (or your partner) feel that the dependability of your erection reflects your level of masculinity, or of how much you desire your partner?

The relationship: Does your relationship offer peace of mind, emotional satisfaction, a sense of belonging? Or is it a place of periodic turmoil, in which you feel misunderstood, powerless, resentful?

Internal psychology: How do you feel about yourself, women (men if you’re gay), sex? Do you have unfinished business from a previous relationship, from childhood or adolescence?

When men want my help in getting or keeping erections, I start at the top of this list and work downward until the problem is resolved. And it usually is — erection difficulties and rapid ejaculation are among the most easily resolved sexual complaints.

I accomplish this by de-emphasizing intercourse and other sources of performance anxiety; encouraging communication before, during and after sex to demystify the erotic relationship; supporting self-knowledge and the entitlement to ask for what one wants; and helping clients develop insight into their psychological processes and character dynamics.

If you or a loved one is struggling with getting or keeping it up, see a professional before the month’s out. No man (or couple) should suffer unnecessarily.

Sex therapists, psychologists and physicians are the professionals best trained to diagnose and treat erection and rapid ejaculation problems. Herbs, creams, “aphrodisiacs” and gadgets are worthless for getting it up or lasting longer. Viagra doesn’t work for everyone, and it doesn’t solve psychological or relationship problems for anyone.

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