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12
Jan


If this ad doesn’t pique your curiosity, it could be because it’s cloaked in the clichéd jargon that has become the language of the singles’ scene.

According to Douglas Raybeck (pictured above), a professor of anthropology at Hamilton College in Clinton, N.Y., descriptions such as “enjoy romantic walks on the beach” are so widely used, they no longer reveal anything significant about the advertiser.

In a study that evaluated 462 singles ads in a New York newspaper, Raybeck found that not a single advertiser described his or her interests as watching TV. And only two `fessed up to enjoying time spent at the mall.

Similarly, many female advertisers described themselves as “full-figured” but the word “overweight” was never used by women.

Many advertisers state favorite activities like “cozy nights by a warm fire,” movies or reading. In reality, though, the cozy-nights-by-the-fire advertiser could be a couch potato who experiences separation anxiety when he’s a shuffle away from the TV remote, said Raybeck.

“That’s not to say it’s misleading advertising. Instead, what the advertiser is trying to say is they like the image the description is trying to convey,” said Raybeck, who is married and claims that romance is overrated as a feature of a happy marriage.

“People need to read advertisements carefully and analyze the subtext. [Personal ads] are the perfect tool to winnow unsuitable partners, but they are only a preliminary step. They shouldn’t be seen as the ultimate method of finding lasting romantic love,” he said.

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11
Jan


If you ask the average person what defines our sexual age, there’s a good chance he’ll mention AIDS. Almost every week the mass media mention some new study about its prevalence or treatment, or the horrifying statistics of AIDS in Africa.

And yet for many Americans, AIDS is not the sexual problem about which they need to worry most. If you’re heterosexual and not involved in IV drug use (either yourself or through your partner), the chances of contracting AIDS are small.

But sex, unfortunately, is not without risks.

There’s unwanted pregnancy, which arguably changes a person’s life more than anything short of catastrophic illness. There are still several million unintentional pregnancies in America every year. This despite an abundance of birth control methods that really do work — condoms, pills, diaphragms, IUDs, depo-provera, and the most reliable of all, sterilization.

There are also sexually transmitted diseases like chlamydia, herpes and HPV. They won’t kill you, but they can bring plenty of trouble. They can undermine or destroy sterility; create problems during childbirth; interfere with sexual pleasure; and increase the risk of cervical cancer. While all can be treated, herpes and HPV cannot be cured.

Then we have the major league STDs — gonorrhea, syphilis and hepatitis. While they sound like things out of the past (or the gutter), perfectly nice people get them today. And they can ruin your life or kill you.

Finally, a broken heart is always a risk factor in sexual behavior. Sadly, some sexual partners lie, cheat and steal. Neither age nor gender, class, or race can predict or reduce the risk of heartbreak. The human foibles of betrayal and fickleness transcend all such boundaries. A broken heart is serious business for many, often resulting in depression, illness or behavioral acting out.

How do you talk about HIV and STDs? Pick a time when you feel close to your prospective partner, haven’t been drinking, have enough time for a full discussion, and have all or most of your clothes on.

Do it in a simple, straightforward way: “I want to enjoy sex with you, so I need to relax. That means talking about health issues, even though it’s uncomfortable for me. So let’s talk about it, OK?” Talk about the level of sexual experience you’ve had — unprotected intercourse, STDs, sexual contact with gay or bisexual men, intravenous drug use, and anything else you’d want revealed to you by a new partner.

If your would-be partner can’t handle this, or feels insulted, be glad you found out now. That’s why you brought it up.

Undertaking sexual activity thoughtfully means asking questions — and listening carefully to the answers — before leaping into bed with someone. You may be at little or no risk of catching HIV, but there are plenty of other problems out there.

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5
Jan


If your love life has become routine, try these nine ways to put the spark back in the sack.

1. Tell your partner your top 10 fantasies. Can’t say them out loud?, suggests Tracey Cox author of Hot Relationships. She suggests that you each make a list of 10 fantasies, then trade lists with your partner. Toss out what you can’t agree on. Rip the list into separate slips, and put them in jars for him and her. Take one out when the mood strikes.

2. Go shopping. Browse the sexuality section of a bookstore together. “There’s a sense of adventure in discovering what’s out there and making a commitment to trying it,” says Jan Brown, a marriage counselor and believer in hot monogamy.

3. Ask for something new, nicely. “There is a big difference between an invitation to try something new and a lecture,” says Kevin Gogin, a marriage, family and child counselor. Gogin urges couples to use positive words and expressions like, “I thought it would be fun if we…” or “What would you think of…?” Avoid loaded words like “dissatisfied” and “frustrated.”

4. Take a break from sex. “For long-term partners, sex becomes convenient — like going to the refrigerator and grabbing something to eat,” says marriage and family counselor Carol Kaplan. For these folks, taking a breather from all sex, or from just intercourse, can rev up desire and promote greater intimacy (if you spend the time doing other things).

5. Women, think like a guy. French beauty expert Laura Mercier believes American women sabotage their sex appeal with too many hang-ups and too little self-esteem. It’s different in Europe, she says. Confidence, sensuality, character and personality play a bigger role in beauty. “A woman accepts that at 50 she is a gorgeous woman who still has sex.”

6. Men, think like a chick. So advises Bernie Zilbergeld, author of The New Male Sexuality. He urges men to relate more non-sexually and to explore various expressions of affection, including holding hands, cuddling, hugging and kissing.

7. Have sex in the morning. Get it while the getting is good. The end of a trying workday is probably the worst time to initiate intimacy, says sex and couples counselor Eleanor Hamilton.

8. Slow down. That’s the advice of our readers who responded to the article Great Sex Comes to Those Who Age. They say leaving behind the mad rush to orgasm is the secret to great sex.

9. Schedule it. While many of us believe that sex should be spontaneous, who has time for spur of the moment romps? Busy people need to put intimacy on their agenda, but that doesn’t mean the sex has to be sedate.

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29
Dec


It’s been said that men live through a certain organ, and it’s not the brain. And who can blame them? Men are generally happier when they are sexually satisfied.

Myriad studies confirm this, according to Dr. William Steers, a urologist at the Virginia School of Medicine in Staunton.

“Better quality of life reports are not surprising because we are dealing with a very important part of people’s lives,” he says.

The link between depression and impotence is so strong that, two years ago, researchers at the New England Research Institutes in Watertown, Mass., urged the medical community to screen all patients with erectile dysfunction for depression.

Solutions to sexual problems result in greater happiness. A 1998 study found that men reported significant improvements in well-being, depression and self-control after three months on Viagra.

Steers says that even though the study was conducted by the drug’s manufacturer, Pfizer, it was taken seriously by the American Urological Association.

Similarly, researchers at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, N.C., found that penile injections for impotence, effective in 75 percent of cases, lead to better quality of life.

Steers says it is generally true that the better a man’s sexual functioning, the happier he is liable to be.

Tips:

  • Most men find sex crucial to their happiness.
  • If you’re having erectile dysfunction problems, you may need to consider treatment for depression.
  • Professional help may be your best bet for treating impotence.

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22
Dec


In some parallel universe, sex is perfect. Not only is it always flat-out fantastic; you get precisely what you want without asking.

In this universe, you have to ask.

1. Make your request an invitation.
Use positive words and phrases, says Kevin Gogin, a marriage and family counselor. “I thought it would be fun if …”

2. Be specific.
It may seem awkward to give a tutorial in the middle of lovemaking, but practice makes perfect.

3. Make everything voluntary.
When you put the pressure on, the message is, “You better give me what I deserve.” Asking instead of telling makes your request a choice.

4. Cater to your partner’s desires.
The more you take interest in what thrills her, the more she will want to do likewise.

5. Feel free to change your mind.
Expressing your likes, writes Dr. Miriam Stoppard in The Magic Of Sex, “doesn’t mean … you might express a different preference on a different occasion.”

6. Be adventurous — a little at a time.
Before you whip out the handcuffs, “start with something simple,” advises Michael Castleman in Sexual Solutions.

7. Master love outside the bedroom.
Do you give her a foot rub without prompting? Do you seek him out the second you walk in the door? Work on giving each other what you want on many levels.

8. Don’t take it too seriously.
Sex may be an important part of your life, but a single experience is not. Keep it fun and playful.

9. Open up to new experiences.
And put them in writing, suggests Tracey Cox, author of Hot Relationships. Each person lists 10 things he or she would like to do in bed. Trade lists. Ditch what you can’t agree on.

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20
Dec


  1. Yule logs last for hours!
  2. Everyone dons gay apparel.
  3. He knows you’ve been naughty — and girlfriend, he spanks!
  4. Stuffing’s so versatile.
  5. Women don’t mind if you watch football after.
  6. One word: giblets.
  7. On Prancer, on Vixen? Whatever turns you on.
  8. Right afterward, OK when guys settle in for a long winter’s nap.
  9. Yelling “Ho, Ho!” in an alleyway won’t get you busted.

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15
Dec


Martha Mahan’s husband of 39 years is, in her words, a “professional nagger.”

Fred had been nagging Martha for some time to put away the laundry rather than just taking it out of the dryer, folding it and leaving it in piles in the bedroom.

Recently, Mahan started a ritual. She wrapped the clothes in beautiful blue paper, tied it up with string, and placed her husband’s favorite Vienna Sausages in a can on top of the pile.

“To transcend all this nagging, you have to put yourself into a playful, humorous, creative mode,” says Mahan.

Fred still puts the laundry away himself, but he doesn’t seem to mind anymore.

What death and taxes are to life, nagging is to marriage. But it doesn’t have to be the bane of anyone’s existence. If the two of you learn how to laugh at and have fun with nagging, it will only make life sweeter.

One of the secrets of a long, successful marriage is being able to nag — or respond to nagging — playfully and lovingly, according to cognitive therapist Kathleen Burton.

In fact, a wife’s nagging can be good for her husband’s health, says a study from the University of Chicago. According to the study’s lead researcher, sociologist Ross Stolzenberg, men are conditioned in our culture not to think about their health. A wife plays a valuable role in this dynamic, at least on the health front.

Burton says the playful approach works only in a relatively loving and happy relationship. In the case where one nags compulsively or the other refuses to budge, the defenses are so strong for one or both that not even humor and creativity can break them down.

Even healthy relationships demand nagging with discretion. Here’s how to nag like a pro:

Don’t dish it if you can’t take it.
Before you tell your spouse to get out there and exercise, you had better be prepared to throw on your sweats and jump in the action yourself, says Burton.

Nag as a team.
Instead of nagging your spouse about walking the dog, suggest you do it together.

“Would you like some company when you walk the dog?

Confess your own sins.
Chances are you’ve procrastinated on a few occasions. Your nagging should acknowledge this fact: “I know I haven’t gotten to paying the bills as I said I would, but could you clean out the car so at least one of us does what we said?”

Present options.
Sometimes the task at hand is more important to the one doing the nagging than it is to the one being nagged. Acknowledge this by offering alternatives: “Maybe we ought to just break down and buy a doghouse rather than have you build one.”

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