While the subject of infidelity has always been of interest, modern changes in technology and social arrangements have made the issue more complicated than ever.

One prominent change, of course, is that almost all environments in America are now mixed-gender: workplaces, shopping malls, gyms, cultural and social institutions.

In addition, technology has given us many new ways of communicating and connecting erotically with others, such as the telephone, VCR, computer, Internet and digital camera. Thus, questions such as “is it an affair?” and “is it infidelity?” are no longer easily answered.

For example, say you’re having phone sex with a paid stranger, or cyber sex with someone you just “met” online. Your mate walks in, sees this, and becomes hurt or angry, accusing you of infidelity. In the hundreds of stories I’ve heard like this, responses range from “it isn’t sex, so I wasn’t unfaithful” to “since it didn’t involve touching, don’t be upset.”

When couples bring such a dilemma to me, I never define whether one of them has been unfaithful. Such a judgment can only be made in the context of an agreement. Clearly, some couples have a contract in which even looking at a Victoria’s Secret catalog is a violation. Other relationships tolerate even erotic touching of others, as long as there is no emotional involvement. So the first — and scariest — question is how each partner interprets the couple’s fundamental agreement.

Couples in distress frequently ask me what kind of arrangement I think they should have: strictly monogamous, slightly open, technologically open (cyber-sex OK, neighbor-sex forbidden), etc. This is another question I rarely answer, although I encourage people to talk about what they really want, as opposed to what they’re willing to settle for.

Ultimately, the actual agreement couples reach is less important than the fact that both partners agree to it enthusiastically, and feel optimistic about keeping it. People who feel pushed into accepting a relationship that’s either more or less restrictive than they want often find themselves undermining the agreement, consciously or not.

Couples who have the courage to face their disagreements in this area eventually end up with a stronger relationship — whether with each other or with someone else.

Infidelity In the Technological Age is a post from: The Female G Spot

Health issues affect our sexuality in a variety of ways, including hormones, chronic pain, stamina, depression and body image. One of the most common health issues affecting our sexuality is prescription medication.

Most medications have side effects. When these are minimal or trivial, we ignore them. But some side effects are major. And when they affect your sexual functioning, ignoring them is difficult.

The most common unwanted effects that drugs have on sexuality involve reduced desire, limited arousal and inhibited or impossible orgasm. Here are common sexual side effects of some popular medications:

Antidepressants:inhibited arousal and orgasm

Antihypertensives: inhibited erection

Anti-inflammatories: inhibited erection, difficult orgasm, increased skin sensitivity

Ulcer medication: limited desire, inhibited erection

Birth control pills: limited desire, decreased lubrication

Like most things involving sex, doctors and patients don’t talk much about the sexual side effects of drugs. In fact, physicians don’t even discuss it much with each other, although issues like Viagra and AIDS are beginning to change that.

Since doctors don’t routinely raise the subject, you have to. Just as you might ask if a drug you’ve just been prescribed will make you drowsy or give you gas, ask if other patients experience sexual side effects from the medication you’ll soon be taking. Don’t worry about making your doctor uncomfortable: s/he’s just hired help, remember?

When you and your doctor work together, the sexual side effects of drugs can be decreased or eliminated. Several strategies can accomplish this:

• Change to a different brand of drugs, or one that works differently.
• Take an additional drug to reduce the first one’s sexual side effects.
• Change the way you take the drug. For example, take it in the morning instead of the evening, or six days a week instead of seven.

Physicians and pharmaceutical companies have still not learned that sexual side effects are an important reason that people don’t take their medicine the way they should. It’s up to us to educate the health-care industry about the importance of sexual side effects, so that professionals will talk about it and think about it much more than they currently do.

If we don’t push them, why should they think that change is necessary?

Are Meds Ruining Your Sex Life? is a post from: The Female G Spot

Apologies are offered and accepted regularly in successful relationships. The question is, what are you —or your partner—apologizing for?

Meaningful apologies can have several different goals:

• Acknowledging a partner’s pain
• Acknowledging your role in that pain
• Implying you’ll try hard to avoid doing the hurtful thing again
• Requesting a resumption of warm feelings

Not every apology, however, is meaningful. When people say “I’m sorry,” and don’t know what they’re sorry for, the apology is a mere formality. It neither examines the present nor addresses the future. But people do it because they feel uncomfortable with a partner’s resentment or hurt, or they’re eager to resume friendly relations. An apology seems like the entry fee.

Similarly, people often say “I’m sorry,” but then explain why you’re wrong to be upset, or why they aren’t responsible for your pain. They make excuses: “I was really tired” or “things happen.” Such an apology acknowledges your discomfort, but does nothing to assure you that things will go differently next time. There isn’t much solace in this apology.

We should hesitate to accept such apologies. If the apologizer doesn’t know why you’re upset, and can’t give you confidence that he probably won’t do the same upsetting thing again in similar circumstances, why should you comfort the apologizer? By accepting an apology, you’re saying that he’s taken responsibility and you’re ready for reconciliation to begin. This removes the healthy pressure for him to examine what he’s done, the nature of the relationship and your respective needs.

On the other hand, some people take advantage of their status as the wronged party. They drag out the process of describing their wound: “If you don’t know, I’m not saying.” Sometimes they even deny they’re upset: “What’s the matter?” “Nothing.” These strategic moves are part of a power struggle, typically played by people who feel powerless.

Couples need terms of reconciliation, sanction and surrender for the myriad of conflicts, hurt feelings, passive hostilities and thoughtlessness that litter a relationship. People need to see these structures and routines as tools to make life smoother, not as things to use against each other.

Apologizing is an ongoing, normal activity in healthy relationships. Sometimes it’s an event, sometimes a process. Used in perspective, with an appropriate dose of humor, it can deepen intimacy.

Apologize With Meaning is a post from: The Female G Spot

What is intimacy and why are some of us so uncomfortable with it?

No single definition of intimacy can satisfy everyone, but here’s one that works for many people: intimacy is the feeling of being known. It’s a feeling that someone else knows your true self, and the trust that there’s a joint commitment to maintaining your connection even when it’s difficult.

Intimacy takes many forms: verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual. A relationship is all the more powerful — and intimate — when it features more than one of these forms.

Unfortunately, people may focus on different aspects of intimacy. I often hear couples complain that one is only interested in sex while the other is only interested in talking.

Everyone needs intimacy. It is so stressful for people to feel isolated that they inevitably find ways of connecting with others — even if it’s only over whiskey with strangers in a bar.

Not everyone is aware that they need intimacy. Some people are so defended against their fear of dependence, exposure or loss, that they truly believe they need no one. Sadly, they are just fooling themselves.

When relationships are troubled by serious problems with sex, affection, nagging or chronic conflict, the cause is frequently a power struggle about intimacy.

What forms will it take? What are acceptable limits? What will people have to pay in order to get what they need? In healthy relationships, people discuss these questions in various ways, and they are flexible enough to accommodate each other’s needs.

In unhealthy relationships, people attack, criticize and blame each other for the mess they’re in, rather than seeing their mess as a joint creation.

People face a fundamental dilemma: we need intimacy, but we’re afraid of it. The way in which we handle this internal struggle defines our personality and relationship style.

Get a Little Closer is a post from: The Female G Spot

Lubricants are just about a lover’s best friend.

Lubricants make intercourse easier, help maximize pleasure, are essential for hand jobs and keep condoms from tearing.

They’re especially helpful in a variety of situations. For example, as women get older, their natural lubrication becomes thinner, and there’s often less of it. Similarly, medications such as birth-control pills and antihistamines can make it harder to lubricate.

When playing rough, tiny genital tears can be prevented with a lubricant. During menstruation, tampons often absorb everything — lubrication as well as menstrual flow — so again, it’s lube to the rescue. And for many men, masturbating without a lubricant is like, uh, an awfully dry hand stroking a dry penis. Not only is this less interesting, it can actually hurt.

Today, your supermarket carries more brands of lubricants than brands of milk. Each one is slightly different, varying in consistency, smell or germ-fighting ingredients. It can be lots of fun to buy a bunch of lubes and discover which you like best. Flavored? Odorless? Bacteriocidal?

It’s all a matter of individual preference, with one exception — oil and latex do not mix. An oil-based lubricant will destroy condoms, so use only water-soluble products with them. This is also good advice for any lube that goes inside the vagina or anus — use something that’s easy to wash out with soap and water.

Some people resist using a lubricant because they feel that lubes represent a failure — either his failure to excite her enough, or her failure to produce enough. This is an unfortunate attitude.

A woman’s lubrication is a function of many things, only one of which is her excitement. Her lubrication is never a measure of her or her partner’s competence. Indeed, experienced lovers use lubricants regardless of what a woman produces on her own. They appreciate the variety, the ease of use and the sheer playfulness of the stuff.

In fact, people have been known to enjoy playing around with their hands, genitals and lubricant so much, they forget to have intercourse. It happens, although I’ve never heard anyone complain.

Tips:

• Put some lube inside a condom to create a tighter fit, and to increase the sensations of body heat.
• Take out and open the lube before you get too involved in sex.
• We use lubricants to enhance sexual pleasure, not because someone has failed.

Give Your Love Life a Squeeze is a post from: The Female G Spot

Whether they’ve been asking questions or not, it’s time to talk with your kids about sexuality. That means talking about gender, reproduction, bodies, feelings, changes, and, of course, sex — with self or with a partner.

Regardless of their age, they’re ready. Are you?

When talking to your kids about sexuality, your goal should be far more ambitious than preventing premarital sex or pregnancy. Besides, it will be more difficult to get those messages across without first establishing values and ongoing communication.

Talking to your kids about sexuality prepares them for future relationships, and arms them with accurate information. It also allows you to help shape their sexual values and decision-making, encouraging them to think clearly about sexuality.

It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. Here are four ways to approach your kids about sex:

1. Show you’re askable.

Never punish them for asking questions. It’s fine to say, “I don’t know” or “That’s personal, I don’t like talking about that.” But angrily demanding, “Why do you want to know?” or declaring: “Only a bad girl asks questions like that,” sends a message that sexual concerns are unacceptable to you.

2. Teach that sex is OK.

Teaching kids to fear sex or its consequences creates adults who fear sex or its consequences. Besides, instilling guilt and shame in kids doesn’t reliably discourage behavior you disapprove of. On the other hand, teaching young people to treat sex with respect, and that their bodies are precious, encourages them to behave responsibly.

3. Teach values.

Don’t hesitate to share the principles by which you live — kids want that. Just make sure that you label them as values rather than fact. Talk about what you believe or what makes you feel good. Of course, this requires that you talk about sex as a normal part of life, perhaps the most important message of all.

4. Teach decision-making skills.

Regardless of their age, what kids need most of all is decision-making skills. This is especially true when they’re dealing with peer pressure, feeling they’re in love or have been using alcohol. When you aren’t there to tell them what to do, they need to know how to make healthy choices for themselves.

Ease Up on the Stork is a post from: The Female G Spot

When the study was published on the Internet, Beverly Whipple heard from many men claiming to share Richard Brent’s experience. Is he really that unique?

Sex Researcher Beverly Whipple

Although the subject is very unusual, I don’t think his experience is unique. Since the study, many men have contacted me asking if we’re looking for more research subjects. So, no, I don’t think it’s physiologically impossible.

Research Subject Richard Brent

I think women experience the same thing, and men just don’t understand what they’re talking about. A part of me wonders what it would be like to see how far and how high I could take it.

Sex Researcher Beverly Whipple

As far as I can tell, the research shows that men as well as women are capable of a variety of sexual responses. There isn’t just one way of responding. Another multiorgasmic man offered some advice to other men in an e-mail he sent me: There are a lot of psychological aspects to it. Men aren’t as tuned into their fantasies as women. Use your imagination to keep yourself turned on.

Researcher Gives Sex Advice for Men is a post from: The Female G Spot

Six ejaculations with the same erection.

Beverly Whipple is a professor of nursing at Rutgers University in New Jersey and president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). She’s spent a good part of her career conducting research on sexual response.

In 1995, Richard Brent contacted Beverly Whipple at Rutgers about doing a scientific research study about his sexual experience.

Sex Researcher Beverly Whipple

I did the study simply to validate one person’s experience. In the past, my whole research program has been centered on validating a woman’s sexual experience. I’ve done studies on female ejaculation, orgasm from stimulation of the G spot. I’ve studied women who are able to orgasm through imagery. I thought it would be good to document a man’s experience as well.

The Parameters

The study was done in a laboratory at the College of Nursing at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Brent was hooked up to various devices such as a pupilometer, blood-pressure cuff and pulse monitor, in order to measure and record the physiological changes his body goes through from the arousal stage to orgasm. The diameter of Brent’s pupils was measured as he sat in a chair facing the pupilometer. This consists of an infared video close-up camera directed at Brent’s eye. He was instructed to look into the camera each time he had an orgasm, so that the changes in his pupil diameter could be recorded. The blood-pressure cuff on his left arm and pulse monitor attached to the big toe on his left foot collected individual data that was analyzed later.

A television and VCR with erotic material was operated via remote control. Alone in the room, Brent was observed through an observation window.

The Task at Hand

The blood-pressure cuff would inflate every two minutes. This was the signal for Brent to place his chin in the chin rest of the pupilometer. He was then required to remain still as his pupil diameter was recorded. Blood-pressure readings were recorded every two minutes throughout the experiment, and each time Brent reported he had had an orgasm. After orgasm, his pupil diameter was again recorded. During blood-pressure measurements, he was asked to rate his level of sexual arousal on a scale of 1-10. He was required to collect each ejaculation in a separate container for researchers.

The End Result

Thirty-six minutes elapsed between Brent’s first and last orgasm. Despite the distraction of the equipment and instructions, he maintained his erection throughout the experiment and achieved six orgasms with full ejaculations. The data collected displayed significant elevations of Brent’s blood pressure, heart rate and pupil diameter during orgasm.

Research subject Richard Brent:

All the books say it’s physiologically impossible. I’ve been called a liar, or a bragger. Everyone just says it’s impossible, but I know it’s not. If I could write a book, I’d be a millionaire, but there’s nothing I’ve found so far that I can attribute it to, so I figure it’s just something about me and my body that’s different.

Studying Richard Brent is a post from: The Female G Spot

Falling in love never grows old. Regardless of your age, a new romance softens the hardest of hearts and awakens long lost regions of the soul.

Clinical psychologist and couples therapist Ayala Pines reflects on the significance love plays in our lives:

Does romantic love ever become a lower priority for people?

I don’t think so. Romantic love is especially important for men and women in midlife. A number of women in their fifties find the great love of their lives. Forty- and fifty-year-old men are connecting to the female side of their personalities and long for greater intimacy with their partners. Even if your sex drive goes down (due to a decline in sex hormones), there is no reason why romantic love should have a lower priority at this age.

How can a couple rekindle a relationship?

When the love in a relationship dies completely, no amount of rekindling will help. But if a few embers are still smoldering, try and inject some adrenaline (the elixir of love) into the relationship by taking a trip abroad, hiking, taking a dance class or going on a spiritual retreat. Couples therapy can also help.

Why do you feel one of the best opportunities for personal growth is within the context of a romantic relationship?

We’ve all been in situations where the things that attract us most in the beginning of a relationship become a great source of stress later on. She loved his sense of humor but later complains they can’t hold a serious conversation, or he was attracted to her sensitivity but complains later that she is too sensitive. If you can control your urge to withdraw when things get tough — a great challenge and opportunity for growth — you can give each other what you need most (or complete the unfinished emotional business of your childhood), and also grow in the direction you need as an individual.

When the love in a relationship dies completely, no amount of rekindling will help. But if a few embers are still smoldering, try and inject some adrenaline (the elixir of love) into the relationship by taking a trip abroad, hiking, taking a dance class or going on a spiritual retreat. Couples therapy can also help.

Making Love Last is a post from: The Female G Spot

The single most common question people ask me about sex is, “Am I normal?” Young and old, coupled and single, men and women worry that their desires, preferences, fantasies, body and curiosity are normal — that is, like everyone else’s.

I used to answer most people reassuringly, “Yes, lots of people are into that, you’re normal.” But if you define normal as what most people do, most of us aren’t normal. True, worrying about your sexual normality is normal. But most people go their own way after that. Sure, there’s an average frequency that people make love, an average position, an average penis size. But you’re not making love with the average person — you’re making love with a single, unique individual. Besides, averages aren’t always meaningful. Sampling men and women, you conclude that the average person has one testicle and one ovary — a meaningless statistic.

So what do we do that isn’t so normal?

Some of us are monogamous; many aren’t. Some of us are strictly heterosexual; many aren’t. There are about as many different sexual fantasies as there are people fantasizing. The arrangement of body parts during sex ranges from the predictable to the laughable and the improbable, and includes things you may not even consider sexual.

Some lovers wear costumes; some hide their bodies. Some people shut the door and turn off the lights; others seek high-exposure places like elevators. Some people like their sex polite; while others get nasty in language, lingerie or their fingers’ destination.

In fact, the number of ways people are sexually unconventional is so large, it can’t even be fully described. While you’re reading this, someone, someplace, is experimenting with new places to put their tongue.

That person may be worried that he or she is too kinky.

If only he or she knew what you do.

Don’t take all of this as a subtle statement that you’re a sexual freak, or that you’re isolated in your perverse eroticism. Anything sexual that you imagine, want, or do is being imagined, wanted, or done by someone somewhere.

You know, we’re each alone in this together.

Are You Sexually Normal? is a post from: The Female G Spot