Female Orgasms. It’s a subject I’m often asked about. Here are the answers to three common questions about female orgasms.

Q: I rarely come with my boyfriend, even though I come fine by myself. What should we do?

A: Since you come fine when you get the stimulation you like, the primary question is, are you getting this stimulation with your partner? Most women with orgasm difficulties expect to climax from intercourse alone (which rarely provides adequate stimulation), or from touching that isn’t to their liking. Is your fear of the big bad male ego preventing you from telling your mate what you like? If you’re giving more explicit information to the person who makes your lunch than to your sexual partner, there’s something wrong.

Another reason some women fail to climax with a partner is that they’re self-conscious — about the way they look, smell, taste or sound. Sex is not the time to be ladylike, and orgasm is not the time to think about your appearance. Everyone looks and sounds funny when they come. As for taste and smell, ask your partner. Many men love a woman’s vaginal juices and their place of origin. You don’t have to like it, if he does, that’s good enough.

Finally, some women have trouble coming with a partner because they don’t trust or like him, or don’t trust or like men in general. If that’s the case, either get a different partner or see a professional therapist.

Q: It takes me too long to cum. What should I do?

A: Are you having sex with a stopwatch? Is your partner in a hurry to get to his broker or to church? Most women concerned about taking too long are afraid their partner is getting bored. Rather than pressuring yourself to come quicker, ask your partner how he genuinely feels about this. If either of you is bored, make sex more entertaining. If you’re using a vibrator together, add some kissing, nipple sucking (his or yours), or other pleasures. Talk or caress each other. Don’t strain to come — it’ll take longer, and you won’t enjoy anything that’s going on, clitoral or otherwise,

Q: I saw a film in which women ejaculated when they climaxed. How can I do that?

A: A tiny percentage of women expel fluid when they climax (leaking a bit of urine is actually more common). Mostly either you do or you don’t; it’s not something you can practice. What you can do is experiment with your G Spot, a nickel-size area on the front inside wall of your vagina. In some women this spot becomes very sensitive after they’re excited, and continued stimulation can lead to orgasm. Occasionally, this orgasm is accompanied by about a half-teaspoon of fluid.

Your other option is to become a porn star — that is, have someone edit the footage of your sexual encounters to give you a female ejaculation. Added, of course, to a gigantic orgasm just from looking at an erect penis.

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Few erotic activities are as thrilling — or as terrifying — as sharing sexual fantasies.

Whether your thing is Cleopatra and the slave boy, the astronaut and the moon alien, or Yasser, Madeleine and the camel, most of us have the same fear: hearing “that’s disgusting!” the second we mention it.

But just think how wonderful it would be to hear: “Oh, Yasser, take me to your tent.”

There are good reasons to share sexual fantasies: to add variety to a sexual relationship; to experience activities you’ll never do in real life; to convey information about turn-ons; and to play.

To find out if your mate is interested in sharing fantasies, say you heard about it on Oprah. You can even cautiously mention one or two things while you’re in line at the supermarket, like “it might be cool to pretend we were meeting on the Orient Express while our spouses were in the dining car,” or “it would be fun to pretend Joanne was in bed with us taking photos.” If your mate seems interested, proceed the next time you’re sexual together.

Role-play involves telling each other a story, or acting out parts: “That’s a pretty dress, young lady. Let’s make sure it doesn’t get wrinkled.” “Mmm, no one’s ever touched me like that before — is that OK?” The point is to turn up the heat. But you also want to check in with your mate to make sure embarrassment or discomfort aren’t interfering with the temperature.

What do fantasies mean? Generally, nothing. Most of us fantasize about things we don’t want to do, or wouldn’t do even if we could. It only makes sense. What’s the point of fantasizing about the known, the possible or the simple? You can get those in real life. Fantasy is for frying up much bigger fish.

If your mate doesn’t want to play with fantasies, don’t criticize. Just find other ways you can both share your eroticism.

Be sensitive to any particular discomfort zones, such as your mate’s younger, slimmer, rich brother.

Fantasy does not necessarily reveal what a person really wants.

More on sexual fantasies:

  • Play an erotic role.
  • Got pain? Indulge a sexual fantasy.
  • What’s your love story?
  • The pros and cons of online dating.

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The most common group of activities on the Net involves sex. Are you a statistic?

At any given moment — including this second — millions of modems are swaying together in a worldwide virtual orgy. People are flirting in chat rooms, looking at nude photos, buying vibrators and masturbating online.

People participate in cybersex for different reasons. For some it provides an opportunity to experiment with new things — sharing fantasies, asking for something desired, using words like penis and vulva. Some seize the chance to see themselves through a new lover’s eyes, and hope to be reassured that they’re not frigid or kinky.

While some people can take or leave cybersex, others can’t keep away from it, typing at 3 a.m. in secret, trying to get off without waking the mister or missus. They rarely address their problem until they’ve been confronted, shamed and threatened with the loss of love — and even then they can’t always stop.

Some people love online from necessity. Cybersex does give America’s misfits a place to rehearse human connection, preparing them to actually meet someone. But by supporting withdrawal from real people, cybersex invites some loners further into their isolation. If engineers and accountants are going to reproduce someday, this isn’t good.

So, is any of this online heavy breathing really sex? The question’s important because it challenges our belief that sex is easily defined and understood. It makes us re-think how cybersex feels and why we do it.

Why do you do it? How does it feel to you?

An activity is sex if you share erotic energy. In that respect, of course cybersex is sex. Does it break a vow of monogamy? Well, if your contract is “no intercourse with anyone else,” no. But most monogamous contracts are “no sharing sexual energy with anyone else.” In that respect, a hand on the keyboard is like a hand on the knee. You’re busted.

The challenge of understanding cybersex is one step in humanity’s long erotic evolution. If it pushes us to better understand sex, on or off the Internet, then our soul-less, desire-less machines will have served our lust well.

Many people adopt alternative persona online; that 19-year-old girl in hot pants may actually be a Hulk Hogan look-alike.

Remember, the record of your computer activity can be read by experts, even if you don’t know how to do it.

If you keep making cyber choices you later regret, see a therapist.

More on cyber romance:

  • They met on the Net.
  • Infidelity in the technological age.
  • Online dating do’s and don’ts.
  • The pros and cons of online dating.

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