In some parallel universe, sex is perfect. Not only is it always flat-out fantastic; you get precisely what you want without asking.
In this universe, you have to ask.
1. Make your request an invitation.
Use positive words and phrases, says Kevin Gogin, a marriage and family counselor. “I thought it would be fun if …”
2. Be specific.
It may seem awkward to give a tutorial in the middle of lovemaking, but practice makes perfect.
3. Make everything voluntary.
When you put the pressure on, the message is, “You better give me what I deserve.” Asking instead of telling makes your request a choice.
4. Cater to your partner’s desires.
The more you take interest in what thrills her, the more she will want to do likewise.
5. Feel free to change your mind.
Expressing your likes, writes Dr. Miriam Stoppard in The Magic Of Sex, “doesn’t mean … you might express a different preference on a different occasion.”
6. Be adventurous — a little at a time.
Before you whip out the handcuffs, “start with something simple,” advises Michael Castleman in Sexual Solutions.
7. Master love outside the bedroom.
Do you give her a foot rub without prompting? Do you seek him out the second you walk in the door? Work on giving each other what you want on many levels.
8. Don’t take it too seriously.
Sex may be an important part of your life, but a single experience is not. Keep it fun and playful.
9. Open up to new experiences.
And put them in writing, suggests Tracey Cox, author of Hot Relationships. Each person lists 10 things he or she would like to do in bed. Trade lists. Ditch what you can’t agree on.
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