17
Nov


Reader Question:

I used to have an active sex life, but lately I have no interest in sex with my girlfriend. Part of it may be because I feel criticized and unappreciated by her. She often compares me to ex-lovers. I’ve turned to magazines and fantasies to fulfill my needs. Is something wrong with me or what?

My Answer: Your question seems to be, “Since I’ve been feeling sexually pressured I’ve lost my desire for my partner. What should I do?”

This is a common experience. Of course it’s alarming. But it’s only confusing because, like many people, you assume that your sexual desire for someone should remain constant in the face of strong, repetitive, unpleasant emotions. This is simply unrealistic.

You mention many reasons to be turned off to your girlfriend: feeling criticized, unappreciated and compared to ex-lovers. I’m sure you feel angry, hurt, powerless and defensive.

Notice, however, that your sexuality has not turned off altogether: You still masturbate and fantasize about other women. It sounds as if you are functioning quite reasonably under the circumstances. You feel sexual, but you hesitate to connect sexually with a girlfriend with whom you don’t feel safe.

There is important information in this experience. When you stop desiring someone — or your body stops cooperating — there’s a reason. It’s a good sign that you’re sensitive enough to be so bothered by the hostility and lack of intimacy in this relationship. What should you do? First you need to decide if you want to try to repair the relationship. If you do, ask your girlfriend if she will do it with you. If she insists that the problem is all you, or demands that you fix it yourself, ask her again — urgently and without criticism. If she still won’t agree to work with you, the relationship is shot and it’s time to move on.

If she is interested in working on things with you, a couples counselor may be able to help. Go see one right away. Fortunately, there’s plenty two people can do without a counselor. Talk honestly about the kind of relationship you each want. Talk about what you need from each other. Talk about what gets in the way of giving that to each other.

For example, you can tell her that you love sex with her, and imagine having it, say, once a week or so. If this contrasts too drastically with what she wants, it’s time to separate. But if she’s interested in great sex about once a week, or you can imagine wanting sex more often when you’re feeling close, then you two can talk about how to create that. In your case, feeling accepted for exactly who you are and establishing friendly ways of talking to each other are important aspects of feeling sexually alive and available.

This kind of conversation is often difficult, time-consuming and frustrating. But grown-up relationships cannot thrive without such conversations. The only alternatives are an angry, drama-filled relationship, or a very quiet, lonely house.

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Category : Blog
27
Oct


Role-playing involves a special relationship to sexual fantasy. It requires that you consciously acknowledge your fantasy, and that you share that fantasy with a partner who consents to participate in it.

The simplest kind of role-playing involves a person pretending to be different than he or she typically is. A meek person may pretend to be demanding; a voracious person may pretend to be inhibited.

Some role-playing involves specific roles or even scripts: doctor/patient, queen/foreign prince, Barbra Streisand/Ross Perot. Couples can simply imagine themselves in these roles and speak a sentence or two about them. “You haven’t had a checkup in two years. I better examine your prostate.” Or they can get more involved, speaking in role for most of the sexual encounter. A few simple props such as an apron or baseball cap can make these games even more engaging.

Erotic role-playing requires certain psychological and relationship tools. You have to believe that you’re eligible to step outside the usual limits of your everyday personality. You have to not care how you look or sound. You have to transcend the idea that certain words, behaviors, or attitudes belong only to people who are “sexy.” You and your mate have to trust that you won’t be judged by each other.

Another challenge involves reentering real life after role-playing. The couple who can look at each other after playing mentor’s wife/apprentice and agree that “we can do anything we want, now let’s go make dinner” have an important tool for keeping their relationship exciting.

Role-playing contains no predictions about how people really wish to behave; in fact, the contrary is often true. Role-playing is a safe arena in which to live another life without any of its disadvantages.

Ultimately, erotic role-playing is a way to celebrate two of our most divine gifts: imagination and sexuality.

Tips:

  • If you’re not sure how your mate will handle your fantasies, ask about it when you’re not in bed.
  • If your role-play involves power games, decide on a word that means “I need to stop the game for a minute.”
  • Don’t assume you know what your mate really wants in life based on fantasies or role-play.

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Category : Blog
29
Sep


People have a variety of reasons for not communicating about sex. These include lack of vocabulary, feeling intimidated, anxiety and hostility.

One reason that women frequently give is “I don’t want to bruise his male ego.” To that I say, ladies, bruise away.

Information is critical to sexual satisfaction. Men need to know where and how you like to be touched, what your different sounds (and your silence) mean, when you’re ready, when you’re uninterested and when you want more.

Somehow, many women have gotten the idea that men can’t stand to get this information from them. They think mind reading, trial and error, or even ignorance is preferable.

Granted, some men can’t stand to admit that there’s anything they don’t know about sex. But most men will tell you they’re eager to know more about their partner’s body and sexuality. These guys are dying to know what makes a woman experience desire, arousal and satisfaction.

How can you convey this information? Words are great, of course. Some people prefer to talk in bed. “Honey, I’d love this.” Or “Bob, I’d prefer that slower.” Perhaps you feel more comfortable talking at another time, like while driving: “You know, Juan, when you put your fingers inside me, some lube would make it even nicer.”

Nonverbal communication works well too, as long as both partners understand it. So put your hand on his and move it the way you want it, or gently take his hand away from a place you don’t like it and put it somewhere you do. Or sigh when he licks you just right. But if you find these gestures don’t work, talking is probably required.

And what of the fragile male ego? There’s no need to be mean or insensitive when you communicate. Focus on the positive by describing what you like more than what you don’t. And assume that your mate wants to know how to make sex more rewarding for both of you. If he doesn’t, you have a much bigger problem than lack of orgasm or unsatisfying sexual technique.

Start your exploration of intimacy here:

  • If you like to communicate with moans and other sounds, ask your partner what he thinks you mean by them.
  • If you’re unsure how best to communicate, ask your partner (out of bed) how he wants you to tell him.
  • Asking “would you like to tell me some stuff about your sexuality” is sometimes the best way to open a conversation about what you’d like.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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