20
Apr


Our emotions affect our sexual functioning. It sounds obvious when you say it, but many people behave as if they don’t realize this.

Sexual response is a reflex. We perceive a physical or mental stimulus (say, a caress or a fantasy). This message travels to the brain, which sends a message down the spinal cord to various parts of the body, instructing them to respond with tingling, extra blood flow, etc.

Emotions are electrical and chemical events in the body. They either facilitate or disrupt the sex-related messages going up and down the spinal column. Thus, if your partner says, “your skin tastes good,” your emotions facilitate a sexual response. But if your partner calls you the wrong name, your emotions disrupt the sexual response. This is how common feelings such as anger, anxiety, sadness and frustration interfere with reflexes such as erection, lubrication and orgasm.

Many people tolerate negative emotions during sex in silence. Most men and women have experienced sex that made them feel uncomfortable. This could be due to anxiety about performance, fear or anger about being coerced, or sadness about having their needs ignored.

Bodies in these situations rarely respond in an ideal way. Unfortunately, people frequently blame themselves, rather than the situation, for their inadequate response. This is often the beginning of believing that they have a dysfunction. That leads to more anxiety during subsequent lovemaking, undermining sexual functioning even more.

Unlike computers, our bodies respond to irrational factors like expectations, memories and emotions. This means that being aware of our emotions is essential for satisfying sex. Your feelings may embarrass, surprise or confuse you, but they’re real, and their impact on sexual function is also real.

Penises and vulvas usually tell the truth: a frightened penis often shrivels; an angry vulva often tightens shut, and sad mouths rarely relax and enjoy kissing.

Admitting to yourself how you really feel may be uncomfortable, and discussing it with a partner may be even more uncomfortable. But there’s no substitute for connecting with yourself–or your partner–emotionally. It’s a key step toward healthy sexual functioning.

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Category : Blog
29
Sep


People have a variety of reasons for not communicating about sex. These include lack of vocabulary, feeling intimidated, anxiety and hostility.

One reason that women frequently give is “I don’t want to bruise his male ego.” To that I say, ladies, bruise away.

Information is critical to sexual satisfaction. Men need to know where and how you like to be touched, what your different sounds (and your silence) mean, when you’re ready, when you’re uninterested and when you want more.

Somehow, many women have gotten the idea that men can’t stand to get this information from them. They think mind reading, trial and error, or even ignorance is preferable.

Granted, some men can’t stand to admit that there’s anything they don’t know about sex. But most men will tell you they’re eager to know more about their partner’s body and sexuality. These guys are dying to know what makes a woman experience desire, arousal and satisfaction.

How can you convey this information? Words are great, of course. Some people prefer to talk in bed. “Honey, I’d love this.” Or “Bob, I’d prefer that slower.” Perhaps you feel more comfortable talking at another time, like while driving: “You know, Juan, when you put your fingers inside me, some lube would make it even nicer.”

Nonverbal communication works well too, as long as both partners understand it. So put your hand on his and move it the way you want it, or gently take his hand away from a place you don’t like it and put it somewhere you do. Or sigh when he licks you just right. But if you find these gestures don’t work, talking is probably required.

And what of the fragile male ego? There’s no need to be mean or insensitive when you communicate. Focus on the positive by describing what you like more than what you don’t. And assume that your mate wants to know how to make sex more rewarding for both of you. If he doesn’t, you have a much bigger problem than lack of orgasm or unsatisfying sexual technique.

Start your exploration of intimacy here:

  • If you like to communicate with moans and other sounds, ask your partner what he thinks you mean by them.
  • If you’re unsure how best to communicate, ask your partner (out of bed) how he wants you to tell him.
  • Asking “would you like to tell me some stuff about your sexuality” is sometimes the best way to open a conversation about what you’d like.

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Category : Blog
15
Sep


There isn’t anything that all men love, but fellatio — having the penis licked, sucked or kissed — comes close.

Most men have their fellatio preferences and dislikes. Generally, they love when their partner is enthusiastic, relaxed and knowledgeable. As with other kinds of sex, men dislike fellatio when a partner is too rough, too gentle, inattentive to feedback or seems bored or resentful.

Men also don’t like to feel pressure to get erect or climax quickly to validate their partner’s skill. You can’t simply memorize the “best” way to do fellatio. You need to learn the particular things that your guy likes.

Fortunately, many people who make love to men enjoy fellatio, and they have preferences too. To avoid gagging or sore necks, every couple needs to discover the most comfortable positions. This will often be mouth on top and penis on bottom, allowing the top to control the depth and speed of penile thrusting.

Some people like to pretend that they’re being forced to fellate, while others hate to have their hair pulled. Communication is essential.

Any discussion of fellatio must address two questions: ejaculating and swallowing. Some people don’t want their mate to ejaculate into their mouth; others are OK with this, but don’t want to swallow semen.

The person doing the fellating should get the only vote on these questions. You should be in charge of what goes in your mouth or down your throat. Any guy who says he feels rejected if he can’t come in your mouth or if you won’t swallow his semen is either spoiled or selfish.

How can you respond to such selfishness? “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” or “I give you fabulous oral sex and you’re still not satisfied? Maybe we should forget the head altogether.”

You can invite him to lick his hand after he masturbates to give him some perspective, but remember, you don’t need a good reason to set limits.

Fellatio can, er, climax with him saying, “I’m gonna come,” and you stroking his penis while he does. Or he can come in your mouth and you can gracefully spit into a tissue a moment or two later.

Fellatio was glorified by the Greeks and damned by J. Edgar Hoover. You and your mate can make your own decision. Together.

Tips:

  • There isn’t anything inherently dirty about a penis, especially after a shower.
  • If your mate licks your vulva, you don’t “owe” him fellatio.
  • Feel free to pause or rest during fellatio, and to talk or cuddle if you like.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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