2
Nov


As a sex therapist, I’m frequently asked how to create good sex. I often answer, “Why not be more ambitious — how about creatinggreat sex?”

By good sex, most people mean a good “performance.” And screaming orgasms, like in porn films.

While good sex gives us the satisfaction of doing it right, great sex provides the deeper pleasure of losing our self-consciousness. Rather than focusing on a few well-known erogenous zones, you focus on the entire erotic experience, which is diffuse and unpredictable.

Instead of being limited to physical presence, great sex involves emotional presence. This requires not only two bodies, but two souls. For some people, that means lots of eye contact; for others, endless kissing or wordless communication — but communication nevertheless and plenty of it. Great sex is not for people who are uncomfortable getting really close.

In fact, whereas good sex may be about proving who you are, great sex is about forgetting who you are — forgetting your ideas about masculinity or femininity, your desire to look good, maintain your dignity or patrol the boundary between you and the other person.

So how do you create great sex instead of settling for good sex? Paradoxically, there’s no formula. It isn’t what you do during sex. It’s who you are. So great sex starts before you get into bed. It starts when you become less anxious about being a real man or real woman.

It starts when you stop worrying about being a good lover and start wanting to be a good partner — someone who creates the right environment and invites a companion on an erotic journey. It starts when you realize that concerns about contraception, STDs, wanting a glass of water, or going to the bathroom aren’t a disruption of sex, they’re part of sex.

Great sex starts when you look at your partner and say, “Here I am, come with me. I don’t know where we’re going, but we can’t do anything wrong. After all, it’s sex.”Great sex.

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Category : Blog
23
Jun


Our emotions affect our sexual functioning. It sounds obvious when you say it, but many people behave as if they don’t realize this.

Sexual response is a reflex. We perceive a physical or mental stimulus (say, a caress or a fantasy). This message travels to the brain, which sends a message down the spinal cord to various parts of the body, instructing them to respond with tingling, extra blood flow, etc.

Emotions are electrical and chemical events in the body. They either facilitate or disrupt the sex-related messages going up and down the spinal column. Thus, if your partner says, “your skin tastes good,” your emotions facilitate a sexual response. But if your partner calls you the wrong name, your emotions disrupt the sexual response. This is how common feelings such as anger, anxiety, sadness and frustration interfere with reflexes such as erection, lubrication and orgasm.

Many people tolerate negative emotions during sex in silence. Most men and women have experienced sex that made them feel uncomfortable. This could be due to anxiety about performance, fear or anger about being coerced, or sadness about having their needs ignored.

Bodies in these situations rarely respond in an ideal way. Unfortunately, people frequently blame themselves, rather than the situation, for their inadequate response. This is often the beginning of believing that they have a dysfunction. That leads to more anxiety during subsequent lovemaking, undermining sexual functioning even more.

Unlike computers, our bodies respond to irrational factors like expectations, memories and emotions. This means that being aware of our emotions is essential for satisfying sex. Your feelings may embarrass, surprise or confuse you, but they’re real, and their impact on sexual function is also real.

Penises and vulvas usually tell the truth: a frightened penis often shrivels; an angry vulva often tightens shut, and sad mouths rarely relax and enjoy kissing.

Admitting to yourself how you really feel may be uncomfortable, and discussing it with a partner may be even more uncomfortable. But there’s no substitute for connecting with yourself–or your partner–emotionally. It’s a key step toward healthy sexual functioning.

Tips: Before, during and after sex, don’t ignore how you feel just because you think it’s unromantic or inconvenient.Talk with your partner about feelings you have about sex, your body or your relationship. If you consistently feel bad about sex or your relationships, consider therapy.

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Category : Blog
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