2
Nov


As a sex therapist, I’m frequently asked how to create good sex. I often answer, “Why not be more ambitious — how about creatinggreat sex?”

By good sex, most people mean a good “performance.” And screaming orgasms, like in porn films.

While good sex gives us the satisfaction of doing it right, great sex provides the deeper pleasure of losing our self-consciousness. Rather than focusing on a few well-known erogenous zones, you focus on the entire erotic experience, which is diffuse and unpredictable.

Instead of being limited to physical presence, great sex involves emotional presence. This requires not only two bodies, but two souls. For some people, that means lots of eye contact; for others, endless kissing or wordless communication — but communication nevertheless and plenty of it. Great sex is not for people who are uncomfortable getting really close.

In fact, whereas good sex may be about proving who you are, great sex is about forgetting who you are — forgetting your ideas about masculinity or femininity, your desire to look good, maintain your dignity or patrol the boundary between you and the other person.

So how do you create great sex instead of settling for good sex? Paradoxically, there’s no formula. It isn’t what you do during sex. It’s who you are. So great sex starts before you get into bed. It starts when you become less anxious about being a real man or real woman.

It starts when you stop worrying about being a good lover and start wanting to be a good partner — someone who creates the right environment and invites a companion on an erotic journey. It starts when you realize that concerns about contraception, STDs, wanting a glass of water, or going to the bathroom aren’t a disruption of sex, they’re part of sex.

Great sex starts when you look at your partner and say, “Here I am, come with me. I don’t know where we’re going, but we can’t do anything wrong. After all, it’s sex.”Great sex.

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Category : Blog
12
Oct


They have wrinkles, perhaps a few pounds too many and lower backs that ache when they bend and twist the wrong way.

But that doesn’t stop them from being excited about their sex lives. And we meanvery excited.

We’re talking about the more than 160 myprimetime readers who wrote us in response to our story Great Sex Comes to Those Who Age. The sentiment was “Right On” and “Bravo,” since the article dispelled the myth that your sex life has seen better days by, say, 45.

These gleeful testimonials celebrating the splendors of midlife sex reinforce some universal secrets that really shouldn’t be secrets at all. They also suggest that if everything works and your general health is good, there is no reason for passion to ebb.

“I never thought in my wildest dreams that it would get as good as it has at this point in my life,” writes Bill, who is 51.

“This article is right on the money,” writes Dulce, who’s 58. “My sex drive now is as good if not better than when I was in my early 30s.”

Yes, our electronic deluge of responses also included a few skeptics who said a flowering sexuality after the bloom of youth is “rubbish,” and another example of “denial” and PC propaganda.

“The baby boomers are at it again!” writes Michael, who counts himself among the boomer crowd. “Let’s stop deluding ourselves that we’re getting better, just because we’re aging.”

You can argue that it’s just trendy to say attitude is more important than biochemistry. But the vast majority of respondents who wrote to us make the point that sex is about a lot more than raging hormones. It’s about relating, communication, experimentation, intimacy and mutual pleasure-giving.

While myprimetimers had a great deal to say on the subject, we’ve narrowed down their words of wisdom to the following six secrets of great sex:

Slow way down.
If ever a cliché fit, it is here: It’s the journey that counts, not the destination.

Those who responded to the article used words like “savor,” “explore” and “discover.” They all talked about leaving behind the mad rush to orgasm.

Slow down and you will not only discover what works, but you’ll also encounter new surprises. File them away and pull them out the next time. There are detours and side streets that should be explored.

Rhonda writes that she and her husband of 27 years like to go slow, and when that feels good, they slow it down some more.

“When we begin to move into the home stretch toward orgasm, we pull in the reins a little so that the moment can be stretched out and enjoyed even longer. We have learned not to rush through what should be taken slowly and savored. We totally enjoy each other now like we never have before! Orgasm is secondary in the quest for great sex for us.”

Give and you will receive.
Are young people selfish or just overeager? Are they so concerned about performing they forget about creative ways or tried-and-true ways to please their partner?

One way or another, a theme among the correspondents is that the ability to give is something that is cultivated with time.

Michael, who is 49, writes about himself: “It is extremely pleasurable to know your partner is completely fulfilled. At a younger age I didn’t know how to or didn’t care — big mistake.”

Those who wrote in didn’t say that giving was an obligation they can tolerate, but a thrill in its own right, one of the best parts of sex.

Invest the time and you’ll get big returns.
You know the choreographed love scenes in movies. Sex is not a ballet. It does not always happen naturally and spontaneously. In truth, there is much to learn.

“Out of all the men I have dated and made love to, the ones who are 40 and up are much more satisfying and fun,” writes 46-year-old Marilyn. “The 26-year-old I dated I had to teach technique to and he still didn’t understand. I’m sure he will ‘get it’ at some point.”

Men and women both wrote in admitting they weren’t skillful lovers and really didn’t know what they were doing when they were in their 20s and 30s.

You don’t get to know each other without investing the time. Many longtime couples are highly practical about the whole thing, marking their calendars to set aside quality time.

“I have always believed in spontaneous sex as opposed to scheduled sex,” writes Alan, who is 69. “I never liked the ‘Let’s set aside Thursday evenings for the lovemaking’ approach. I see that is wrong now. My wife and I are going to work toward scheduling at least one evening a week for intimacy.”

Kick back, relax and enjoy.
Easier said than done, right? With time, people become a little more secure with who they are, and that means as lovers, too.

Cherie, who is 51, writes: “Young men are so anxious — it’s the act they are interested in. An older man is just as anxious, but he knows how much more joy good foreplay can bring. He knows how to pace himself and wait for his mate.”

One 50-year-old woman longed for the body she had at 20, but admitted she was more comfortable with herself now nevertheless. Men spoke about accepting less endurance and even, in a few cases, the need to rely on Viagra, so long as it works.

In the end, the confidence of middle age can translate into increasing pleasure. “I am 47 years old and I enjoy sexual relations better now than I ever have,” writes Junie. “I am more confident, self-assured, comfortable and feel like I’m just reaching my sexual maturity.”

There’s nothing you can’t talk about.
Back to that ideal movie version of lovemaking with no talk, just moans and groans of delight. That’s not realistic most of the time. “When you get to a certain point in your life, you realize everything comes with problems,” writes Jan, who doesn’t give her age. “It’s not the end of the world. You can talk about them.”

Justine, 28, who is enjoying a relationship with a 42-year-old man, suggested older men are more open to everything. “The thing people seem to miss out on is just how much joy can be found by being able to talk about anything, including ideas and fantasies.”

Find the right person.
Overwhelmingly, those who wrote in giving their sex lives rave reviews gave their mates rave reviews as well.

“Lovers make love in many ways,” says Dee. “Not just in bed, but the whole time they spend together should be devoted to making love, a touch, a smile, a caress, a kiss on the neck as he passes you in the kitchen.”

One correspondent bragged that her man likes to cuddle after sex. Hey, folks. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
17
Aug


People should try having sex early in the morning instead of trying to shoehorn lovemaking into the end of a long, trying workday, suggests sex and couples counselor Eleanor Hamilton, 90.

Hamilton, who hung out her shingle in Manhattan in the early ’70s, celebrated her 90thbirthday yesterday by continuing to dispense motherly advice on sex and intimacy through the Pt. Reyes Light, a Marin County, Calif., newspaper which has carried her column since the mid-’80s.

Hamilton sees how harried and busy couples are these days, and knows how tough it is to maintain interest in a fulfilling sexual relationship. “I think you need to focus fully and shut out the rest of the world for good sex,” she says. “You need to literally go someplace, where you know there will be no telephone, and no interruptions.”

Take advantage of hours when your energy level is at its peak, she adds.

“The more appreciative you are of the other person, the better your sex life will be,” says Hamilton. “In the business world, people get torn down all day long; it’s wonderful to come home and have someone that’s there especially for you. My husband used to always bring me breakfast in bed and that was just a delight to me.”

Hamilton feels that a relationship goes dead when people lose their passion for each other. A relationships with no passion leaves both men and women ripe for an affair. “So many people stop listening to each other in relationships and that’s what erodes intimacy.”

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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