27
Jul


It is a paradox: A woman who wants her own sexual needs fulfilled in a relationship focuses instead on what is good for her man.

“If a woman feels unsatisfied in the sexual relationship, she might ask her partner: `Am I satisfying you in this way?’ And the man will respond in kind,” says Joseph Dispenza, myprimetime personal trainer and director of the Parcells Center for Personal Transformation in Santa Fe. “She could also ask: `How can I be more desirable to you?’ And he will ask her the same question, and she can go from there,” he says.

Because men in our culture are not taught to express their emotions, giving your man the opportunity to discuss his feelings in this way can be a great gift to him, and to you.

“You might even be surprised to find that he is comfortable talking about it,” says Dr. Susan Chandler, a psychologist in San Francisco. “You can ask him what he would like you to do. What feels good to him? Tell him you’d like to be able to talk about it and that your physical relationship is important to you,” she says. Then use this discussion as an opportunity to talk about your needs. “But begin gently: If you are critical and judging, it shuts everything down.”

Avoid what Chandler calls “war words” that imply criticism: never, always or too much.

“It’s better if you say things like, `I’m feeling this way’ or `It works better for me when you do this,’ as opposed to `You do this wrong’ or `You don’t do this.’ If you let him know how you’re feeling, then he can respond to it,” says Chandler.

Declare your loving intentions. Write affirmations on cards and place them near your bed to remind your partner that you are looking out for him. “Written affirmations are very powerful. I suggest that partners make up affirmations that speak to their mutual satisfaction so that it tunes both of them into the beauty and power of their union,” says Dispenza.

Affirmations that a couple writes together during nonsexual times can turn into a playful sex game. An example: I am giving you everything that you need right now.

Defuse any defensiveness your man might have about sexuality by becoming comfortable asking for what you want. Don’t be tense or hesitant when discussing sex. If you like it when a man acts a particular way, reinforce it by saying, “Remember that night when you did such and such? That felt wonderful. Could you do more of that?”

Keep it light, says Edward Dreyfus, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Santa Monica. “If you can mix intimacy and playfulness together, then you have great sex.”

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
17
Nov


Reader Question:

I used to have an active sex life, but lately I have no interest in sex with my girlfriend. Part of it may be because I feel criticized and unappreciated by her. She often compares me to ex-lovers. I’ve turned to magazines and fantasies to fulfill my needs. Is something wrong with me or what?

My Answer: Your question seems to be, “Since I’ve been feeling sexually pressured I’ve lost my desire for my partner. What should I do?”

This is a common experience. Of course it’s alarming. But it’s only confusing because, like many people, you assume that your sexual desire for someone should remain constant in the face of strong, repetitive, unpleasant emotions. This is simply unrealistic.

You mention many reasons to be turned off to your girlfriend: feeling criticized, unappreciated and compared to ex-lovers. I’m sure you feel angry, hurt, powerless and defensive.

Notice, however, that your sexuality has not turned off altogether: You still masturbate and fantasize about other women. It sounds as if you are functioning quite reasonably under the circumstances. You feel sexual, but you hesitate to connect sexually with a girlfriend with whom you don’t feel safe.

There is important information in this experience. When you stop desiring someone — or your body stops cooperating — there’s a reason. It’s a good sign that you’re sensitive enough to be so bothered by the hostility and lack of intimacy in this relationship. What should you do? First you need to decide if you want to try to repair the relationship. If you do, ask your girlfriend if she will do it with you. If she insists that the problem is all you, or demands that you fix it yourself, ask her again — urgently and without criticism. If she still won’t agree to work with you, the relationship is shot and it’s time to move on.

If she is interested in working on things with you, a couples counselor may be able to help. Go see one right away. Fortunately, there’s plenty two people can do without a counselor. Talk honestly about the kind of relationship you each want. Talk about what you need from each other. Talk about what gets in the way of giving that to each other.

For example, you can tell her that you love sex with her, and imagine having it, say, once a week or so. If this contrasts too drastically with what she wants, it’s time to separate. But if she’s interested in great sex about once a week, or you can imagine wanting sex more often when you’re feeling close, then you two can talk about how to create that. In your case, feeling accepted for exactly who you are and establishing friendly ways of talking to each other are important aspects of feeling sexually alive and available.

This kind of conversation is often difficult, time-consuming and frustrating. But grown-up relationships cannot thrive without such conversations. The only alternatives are an angry, drama-filled relationship, or a very quiet, lonely house.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
11
Apr


Female Orgasms. It’s a subject I’m often asked about. Here are the answers to three common questions about female orgasms.

Q: I rarely come with my boyfriend, even though I come fine by myself. What should we do?

A: Since you come fine when you get the stimulation you like, the primary question is, are you getting this stimulation with your partner? Most women with orgasm difficulties expect to climax from intercourse alone (which rarely provides adequate stimulation), or from touching that isn’t to their liking. Is your fear of the big bad male ego preventing you from telling your mate what you like? If you’re giving more explicit information to the person who makes your lunch than to your sexual partner, there’s something wrong.

Another reason some women fail to climax with a partner is that they’re self-conscious — about the way they look, smell, taste or sound. Sex is not the time to be ladylike, and orgasm is not the time to think about your appearance. Everyone looks and sounds funny when they come. As for taste and smell, ask your partner. Many men love a woman’s vaginal juices and their place of origin. You don’t have to like it, if he does, that’s good enough.

Finally, some women have trouble coming with a partner because they don’t trust or like him, or don’t trust or like men in general. If that’s the case, either get a different partner or see a professional therapist.

Q: It takes me too long to cum. What should I do?

A: Are you having sex with a stopwatch? Is your partner in a hurry to get to his broker or to church? Most women concerned about taking too long are afraid their partner is getting bored. Rather than pressuring yourself to come quicker, ask your partner how he genuinely feels about this. If either of you is bored, make sex more entertaining. If you’re using a vibrator together, add some kissing, nipple sucking (his or yours), or other pleasures. Talk or caress each other. Don’t strain to come — it’ll take longer, and you won’t enjoy anything that’s going on, clitoral or otherwise,

Q: I saw a film in which women ejaculated when they climaxed. How can I do that?

A: A tiny percentage of women expel fluid when they climax (leaking a bit of urine is actually more common). Mostly either you do or you don’t; it’s not something you can practice. What you can do is experiment with your G Spot, a nickel-size area on the front inside wall of your vagina. In some women this spot becomes very sensitive after they’re excited, and continued stimulation can lead to orgasm. Occasionally, this orgasm is accompanied by about a half-teaspoon of fluid.

Your other option is to become a porn star — that is, have someone edit the footage of your sexual encounters to give you a female ejaculation. Added, of course, to a gigantic orgasm just from looking at an erect penis.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
G Spot | About Us | Privacy Policy | Contact Us | Sitemap