29
Sep


People have a variety of reasons for not communicating about sex. These include lack of vocabulary, feeling intimidated, anxiety and hostility.

One reason that women frequently give is “I don’t want to bruise his male ego.” To that I say, ladies, bruise away.

Information is critical to sexual satisfaction. Men need to know where and how you like to be touched, what your different sounds (and your silence) mean, when you’re ready, when you’re uninterested and when you want more.

Somehow, many women have gotten the idea that men can’t stand to get this information from them. They think mind reading, trial and error, or even ignorance is preferable.

Granted, some men can’t stand to admit that there’s anything they don’t know about sex. But most men will tell you they’re eager to know more about their partner’s body and sexuality. These guys are dying to know what makes a woman experience desire, arousal and satisfaction.

How can you convey this information? Words are great, of course. Some people prefer to talk in bed. “Honey, I’d love this.” Or “Bob, I’d prefer that slower.” Perhaps you feel more comfortable talking at another time, like while driving: “You know, Juan, when you put your fingers inside me, some lube would make it even nicer.”

Nonverbal communication works well too, as long as both partners understand it. So put your hand on his and move it the way you want it, or gently take his hand away from a place you don’t like it and put it somewhere you do. Or sigh when he licks you just right. But if you find these gestures don’t work, talking is probably required.

And what of the fragile male ego? There’s no need to be mean or insensitive when you communicate. Focus on the positive by describing what you like more than what you don’t. And assume that your mate wants to know how to make sex more rewarding for both of you. If he doesn’t, you have a much bigger problem than lack of orgasm or unsatisfying sexual technique.

Start your exploration of intimacy here:

  • If you like to communicate with moans and other sounds, ask your partner what he thinks you mean by them.
  • If you’re unsure how best to communicate, ask your partner (out of bed) how he wants you to tell him.
  • Asking “would you like to tell me some stuff about your sexuality” is sometimes the best way to open a conversation about what you’d like.

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Category : Blog
22
Sep


If you ask the average person what defines our sexual age, there’s a good chance he’ll mention AIDS. Almost every week the mass media mention some new study about its prevalence or treatment, or the horrifying statistics of AIDS in Africa.

And yet for many Americans, AIDS is not the sexual problem about which they need to worry most. If you’re heterosexual and not involved in IV drug use (either yourself or through your partner), the chances of contracting AIDS are small.

But sex, unfortunately, is not without risks.

There’s unwanted pregnancy, which arguably changes a person’s life more than anything short of catastrophic illness. There are still several million unintentional pregnancies in America every year. This despite an abundance of birth control methods that really do work — condoms, pills, diaphragms, IUDs, depo-provera, and the most reliable of all, sterilization.

There are also sexually transmitted diseases like chlamydia, herpes and HPV. They won’t kill you, but they can bring plenty of trouble. They can undermine or destroy sterility; create problems during childbirth; interfere with sexual pleasure; and increase the risk of cervical cancer. While all can be treated, herpes and HPV cannot be cured.

Then we have the major league STDs — gonorrhea, syphilis and hepatitis. While they sound like things out of the past (or the gutter), perfectly nice people get them today. And they can ruin your life or kill you.

Finally, a broken heart is always a risk factor in sexual behavior. Sadly, some sexual partners lie, cheat and steal. Neither age nor gender, class, or race can predict or reduce the risk of heartbreak. The human foibles of betrayal and fickleness transcend all such boundaries. A broken heart is serious business for many, often resulting in depression, illness or behavioral acting out.

How do you talk about HIV and STDs? Pick a time when you feel close to your prospective partner, haven’t been drinking, have enough time for a full discussion, and have all or most of your clothes on.

Do it in a simple, straightforward way: “I want to enjoy sex with you, so I need to relax. That means talking about health issues, even though it’s uncomfortable for me. So let’s talk about it, OK?” Talk about the level of sexual experience you’ve had — unprotected intercourse, STDs, sexual contact with gay or bisexual men, intravenous drug use, and anything else you’d want revealed to you by a new partner.

If your would-be partner can’t handle this, or feels insulted, be glad you found out now. That’s why you brought it up.

Undertaking sexual activity thoughtfully means asking questions — and listening carefully to the answers — before leaping into bed with someone. You may be at little or no risk of catching HIV, but there are plenty of other problems out there.

Tips:

  • Condoms do work well if used correctly every time you have intercourse.
  • Learn how to discuss unwanted sexual consequences without apologizing.
  • If you think you have an STD, go to a health care professional immediately.

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Category : Blog
15
Sep


There isn’t anything that all men love, but fellatio — having the penis licked, sucked or kissed — comes close.

Most men have their fellatio preferences and dislikes. Generally, they love when their partner is enthusiastic, relaxed and knowledgeable. As with other kinds of sex, men dislike fellatio when a partner is too rough, too gentle, inattentive to feedback or seems bored or resentful.

Men also don’t like to feel pressure to get erect or climax quickly to validate their partner’s skill. You can’t simply memorize the “best” way to do fellatio. You need to learn the particular things that your guy likes.

Fortunately, many people who make love to men enjoy fellatio, and they have preferences too. To avoid gagging or sore necks, every couple needs to discover the most comfortable positions. This will often be mouth on top and penis on bottom, allowing the top to control the depth and speed of penile thrusting.

Some people like to pretend that they’re being forced to fellate, while others hate to have their hair pulled. Communication is essential.

Any discussion of fellatio must address two questions: ejaculating and swallowing. Some people don’t want their mate to ejaculate into their mouth; others are OK with this, but don’t want to swallow semen.

The person doing the fellating should get the only vote on these questions. You should be in charge of what goes in your mouth or down your throat. Any guy who says he feels rejected if he can’t come in your mouth or if you won’t swallow his semen is either spoiled or selfish.

How can you respond to such selfishness? “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” or “I give you fabulous oral sex and you’re still not satisfied? Maybe we should forget the head altogether.”

You can invite him to lick his hand after he masturbates to give him some perspective, but remember, you don’t need a good reason to set limits.

Fellatio can, er, climax with him saying, “I’m gonna come,” and you stroking his penis while he does. Or he can come in your mouth and you can gracefully spit into a tissue a moment or two later.

Fellatio was glorified by the Greeks and damned by J. Edgar Hoover. You and your mate can make your own decision. Together.

Tips:

  • There isn’t anything inherently dirty about a penis, especially after a shower.
  • If your mate licks your vulva, you don’t “owe” him fellatio.
  • Feel free to pause or rest during fellatio, and to talk or cuddle if you like.

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Category : Blog
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