16
Nov


The single most common question people ask me about sex is, “Am I normal?” Young and old, coupled and single, men and women worry that their desires, preferences, fantasies, body and curiosity are normal — that is, like everyone else’s.

I used to answer most people reassuringly, “Yes, lots of people are into that, you’re normal.” But if you define normal as what most people do, most of us aren’t normal. True, worrying about your sexual normality is normal. But most people go their own way after that. Sure, there’s an average frequency that people make love, an average position, an average penis size. But you’re not making love with the average person — you’re making love with a single, unique individual. Besides, averages aren’t always meaningful. Sampling men and women, you conclude that the average person has one testicle and one ovary — a meaningless statistic.

So what do we do that isn’t so normal?

Some of us are monogamous; many aren’t. Some of us are strictly heterosexual; many aren’t. There are about as many different sexual fantasies as there are people fantasizing. The arrangement of body parts during sex ranges from the predictable to the laughable and the improbable, and includes things you may not even consider sexual.

Some lovers wear costumes; some hide their bodies. Some people shut the door and turn off the lights; others seek high-exposure places like elevators. Some people like their sex polite; while others get nasty in language, lingerie or their fingers’ destination.

In fact, the number of ways people are sexually unconventional is so large, it can’t even be fully described. While you’re reading this, someone, someplace, is experimenting with new places to put their tongue.

That person may be worried that he or she is too kinky.

If only he or she knew what you do.

Don’t take all of this as a subtle statement that you’re a sexual freak, or that you’re isolated in your perverse eroticism. Anything sexual that you imagine, want, or do is being imagined, wanted, or done by someone somewhere.

You know, we’re each alone in this together.

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Category : Blog
9
Nov


No one can be in two places at once. Therefore, if you want to be present during sex, you have to let go of both the past and future. You may not want — or be able — to let go permanently, but you need the ability to let go for an hour. Let’s look at four things to let go of.

First, let go of how your body used to be. Honey, none of us is getting any younger, and I know our (fill in the blank) used to be firmer, higher, smaller. Well, it isn’t now, and both you and your lover need to accept that. Any energy you put into sucking in your belly, hiding your butt, or pretending you don’t look exactly the way you do is energy taken away from the good sex you could be having.

Second, let go of comparing yourself to your partner’s ex-lovers. Needing to be the “best” is almost as destructive as needing to be the “only.” During lovemaking many of us focus more on our partner’s ex- than on our partner, in a perverse mental threesome that nobody enjoys. Teach your partner to make you feel like the world’s most important lover, and learn how to feel that way when he or she does. Be gracious. It’s an art.

Third, let go of worrying what your partner will think of you later. We all look silly during sex — if we’re enjoying ourselves. And if we’re fortunate, and our partner is fortunate, we will squeal, beg, fart, suck, demand, drool and lose track of time, space, grammar and our hands. Decide before you begin that this is OK, or don’t bother taking off your clothes.

Fourth, let go of any trauma you have previously suffered around sexuality. Difficult? Of course. Perhaps the most difficult thing you’ve ever done. Possible? Certainly; the human spirit is incredibly resilient. Scary? Definitely, so professional help may be appropriate.

Make sure you hire someone who wants to get you over the trauma, rather than keep you in it. Time-consuming? Probably. So better get going right now. Good sex is waiting — in the present.

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Category : Blog
2
Nov


As a sex therapist, I’m frequently asked how to create good sex. I often answer, “Why not be more ambitious — how about creatinggreat sex?”

By good sex, most people mean a good “performance.” And screaming orgasms, like in porn films.

While good sex gives us the satisfaction of doing it right, great sex provides the deeper pleasure of losing our self-consciousness. Rather than focusing on a few well-known erogenous zones, you focus on the entire erotic experience, which is diffuse and unpredictable.

Instead of being limited to physical presence, great sex involves emotional presence. This requires not only two bodies, but two souls. For some people, that means lots of eye contact; for others, endless kissing or wordless communication — but communication nevertheless and plenty of it. Great sex is not for people who are uncomfortable getting really close.

In fact, whereas good sex may be about proving who you are, great sex is about forgetting who you are — forgetting your ideas about masculinity or femininity, your desire to look good, maintain your dignity or patrol the boundary between you and the other person.

So how do you create great sex instead of settling for good sex? Paradoxically, there’s no formula. It isn’t what you do during sex. It’s who you are. So great sex starts before you get into bed. It starts when you become less anxious about being a real man or real woman.

It starts when you stop worrying about being a good lover and start wanting to be a good partner — someone who creates the right environment and invites a companion on an erotic journey. It starts when you realize that concerns about contraception, STDs, wanting a glass of water, or going to the bathroom aren’t a disruption of sex, they’re part of sex.

Great sex starts when you look at your partner and say, “Here I am, come with me. I don’t know where we’re going, but we can’t do anything wrong. After all, it’s sex.”Great sex.

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Category : Blog
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