27
Jul


It is a paradox: A woman who wants her own sexual needs fulfilled in a relationship focuses instead on what is good for her man.

“If a woman feels unsatisfied in the sexual relationship, she might ask her partner: `Am I satisfying you in this way?’ And the man will respond in kind,” says Joseph Dispenza, myprimetime personal trainer and director of the Parcells Center for Personal Transformation in Santa Fe. “She could also ask: `How can I be more desirable to you?’ And he will ask her the same question, and she can go from there,” he says.

Because men in our culture are not taught to express their emotions, giving your man the opportunity to discuss his feelings in this way can be a great gift to him, and to you.

“You might even be surprised to find that he is comfortable talking about it,” says Dr. Susan Chandler, a psychologist in San Francisco. “You can ask him what he would like you to do. What feels good to him? Tell him you’d like to be able to talk about it and that your physical relationship is important to you,” she says. Then use this discussion as an opportunity to talk about your needs. “But begin gently: If you are critical and judging, it shuts everything down.”

Avoid what Chandler calls “war words” that imply criticism: never, always or too much.

“It’s better if you say things like, `I’m feeling this way’ or `It works better for me when you do this,’ as opposed to `You do this wrong’ or `You don’t do this.’ If you let him know how you’re feeling, then he can respond to it,” says Chandler.

Declare your loving intentions. Write affirmations on cards and place them near your bed to remind your partner that you are looking out for him. “Written affirmations are very powerful. I suggest that partners make up affirmations that speak to their mutual satisfaction so that it tunes both of them into the beauty and power of their union,” says Dispenza.

Affirmations that a couple writes together during nonsexual times can turn into a playful sex game. An example: I am giving you everything that you need right now.

Defuse any defensiveness your man might have about sexuality by becoming comfortable asking for what you want. Don’t be tense or hesitant when discussing sex. If you like it when a man acts a particular way, reinforce it by saying, “Remember that night when you did such and such? That felt wonderful. Could you do more of that?”

Keep it light, says Edward Dreyfus, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Santa Monica. “If you can mix intimacy and playfulness together, then you have great sex.”

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Category : Blog
25
May


There are lots of great reasons to say yes to sex. But there are also times when it’s best to say no.

For starters, it’s usually best to say no if you’re not in the mood. I don’t mean, “I’m not really in the mood, but we’re feeling friendly, so if you do most of the work I’ll get into it.” Rather, I’m talking about times when you’re not going to get in the mood. Perhaps you’re not feeling well, or you’re exhausted or cranky. Maybe you’re nervous about something happening at work or with the kids.

It’s important to say no when you’re angry, and to talk instead. Unfortunately, some people use sex to ignore a problem that they can’t resolve. In fact, some people use sex to avoid intimacy — the kind of intimacy that involves the difficult exploration and resolution of differences that exist in all relationships.

People in new relationships (or one-night stands) shouldn’t necessarily say no to sex —but they should clarify what the sex means before getting into it. If one person thinks the sex is about recreation, while the other one thinks it’s the beginning of a commitment, both will be disappointed. Sometimes one person wants to keep the sex confidential, while the other is so excited (or proud) that discretion is impossible. Again, without a conversation about it, both people will be frustrated.

While a lack of contraception doesn’t require you to say no to sex, it does require you to say no to intercourse. That’s the only grownup way to look at it. Don’t delude yourself about using the “rhythm method” — people who use rhythm are called parents. If you’re not going to use birth control, at least admit it to yourself, rather than pretending you’re using a technique that’s only slightly more effective than wishing upon a star.

People have sex for lots of psychological reasons — wanting to prove they’re normal, that they’re a “real man” or “real woman,” that they’re still attractive. In fact, some people have sex for revenge or as a form of hostility. But you wouldn’t do that, would you?

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Category : Blog
3
Nov


This week’s topic is cunnilingus — pleasuring a woman’s vulva with your mouth.

Although there are lots of slang names and funny stories about the practice, it’s something that many, many people love. And since both parties frequently enjoy it equally, I don’t usually talk about “giving” and “receiving” cunnilingus. I prefer discussing how people share it.

One of the best things about cunnilingus is that it’s a kind of sex that requires neither an erection nor birth control. Many women say it’s the best (or only) way for them to orgasm. It can, of course, be extremely intimate, and for people with chronic pain in their wrists, hips or elsewhere, it may be a particularly comfortable way to be sexual.

Another thing people like about oral sex is that it’s a chance to stimulate the clitoris directly, which can create intense pleasure for one or both partners. And believe it or not, ladies, your partner probably enjoys your smell and taste — in some cases, wildly enjoys it. If your partner says this is true, believe it. Why else would s/he be so enthusiastic?

While some people who do the licking are quite proud of their technique, others feel uncertain or insecure. As with virtually all things sexual, the main trick is to ask your partner: What do you like? How, exactly, would you like me to do it? How can I tell when you’re really enjoying it? Will you please tell me if you’d like it differently?

Another trick is to make sure you’re comfortable when you start. A neck or knees that start out bent at a funny angle will soon ache — and make you wish that your partner would hurry up and climax. A woman whose body is chilly while she’s being nibbled will find it hard to let go and really enjoy the attention.

Many women shy away from cunnilingus. Why? Various women report that they feel self-conscious about their smell or taste, fear that their vulva is unattractive, feel pressure to orgasm quickly, don’t like losing face-to-face intimacy, or simply don’t believe their partner enjoys it too. This is a shame. You don’t have to look like a model to taste good.

You and your partner can create plenty of intimacy with sounds and caresses. And most of us — male and female alike — could use some practice just lying back and sharing our body. It’s hard to tune out that voice that says, “I’m being selfish, and my partner’s bored,” but good sex depends on it.

Never blow in the vagina, as this could cause medical problems. Other than that, pretty much anything goes — licking (every which way, varying the pressure), gentle sucking (very gentle), chewing (more gums than teeth), humming (deep notes are best), and the occasional finger for variety.

If your partner smells stronger than you’d like, get a warm, damp washcloth and prepare her shrine for worship. Thank her for the opportunity to serve her. She’ll never forget it.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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