2
Nov


As a sex therapist, I’m frequently asked how to create good sex. I often answer, “Why not be more ambitious — how about creatinggreat sex?”

By good sex, most people mean a good “performance.” And screaming orgasms, like in porn films.

While good sex gives us the satisfaction of doing it right, great sex provides the deeper pleasure of losing our self-consciousness. Rather than focusing on a few well-known erogenous zones, you focus on the entire erotic experience, which is diffuse and unpredictable.

Instead of being limited to physical presence, great sex involves emotional presence. This requires not only two bodies, but two souls. For some people, that means lots of eye contact; for others, endless kissing or wordless communication — but communication nevertheless and plenty of it. Great sex is not for people who are uncomfortable getting really close.

In fact, whereas good sex may be about proving who you are, great sex is about forgetting who you are — forgetting your ideas about masculinity or femininity, your desire to look good, maintain your dignity or patrol the boundary between you and the other person.

So how do you create great sex instead of settling for good sex? Paradoxically, there’s no formula. It isn’t what you do during sex. It’s who you are. So great sex starts before you get into bed. It starts when you become less anxious about being a real man or real woman.

It starts when you stop worrying about being a good lover and start wanting to be a good partner — someone who creates the right environment and invites a companion on an erotic journey. It starts when you realize that concerns about contraception, STDs, wanting a glass of water, or going to the bathroom aren’t a disruption of sex, they’re part of sex.

Great sex starts when you look at your partner and say, “Here I am, come with me. I don’t know where we’re going, but we can’t do anything wrong. After all, it’s sex.”Great sex.

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Category : Blog
7
Sep


Each week, dozens of people write to me asking for sexual advice or information. Here are answers to some of the most common questions:

How do I increase the size of my penis?

You can’t. The tissue in penises is not the kind you can pump up with exercise. There’s nothing you can permanently inject or implant into it safely. And there’s no plastic surgery to enhance it. Fortunately, overwhelming numbers of people making love with men insist that penis size does not matter to them.

How do I tell my mate what I want (or don’t want) sexually?

There’s no substitute for clear, direct, simple statements. Most people want more information from their partner, not less. So just tell him or her what you want. Do it in a friendly, non-complaining way when you have plenty of time to listen to each other. And do not bring up other issues during the conversation; write them down for future talks.

How can a woman climax more easily?

Most women climax from stimulation of the clitoris, not from vaginal intercourse. And each woman’s preferences differ. So every woman needs to instruct her partner on how she wants to be touched. Several lessons are usually needed; make them as enjoyable and friendly as you can, rather than mechanical or grim. A lubricant, vibrator, mirror, music or refreshments may help; lessons should be no longer than 30 minutes each.

I think my partner is fooling around with someone else. What are the signs of infidelity?

Don’t play detective or psychologist. If you have evidence or suspicions, tell your partner. Ask for an explanation. If it’s at all plausible, believe it. If you have continued suspicions, go with your partner to a marriage counselor. If you’re in obvious pain, and your mate is innocent, he/she will probably go willingly.

Tips:

  • Sexual communication starts before you take off your clothes — learn to enjoy getting to know each other better.
  • Remember, there’s no such thing as “normal” sexual preferences. Talk about what you like and dislike, not what’s “right.”
  • Mistrust undermines eroticism. If there’s something you’re uneasy about, clear it up as soon as possible.

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Category : Blog
17
Aug


People should try having sex early in the morning instead of trying to shoehorn lovemaking into the end of a long, trying workday, suggests sex and couples counselor Eleanor Hamilton, 90.

Hamilton, who hung out her shingle in Manhattan in the early ’70s, celebrated her 90thbirthday yesterday by continuing to dispense motherly advice on sex and intimacy through the Pt. Reyes Light, a Marin County, Calif., newspaper which has carried her column since the mid-’80s.

Hamilton sees how harried and busy couples are these days, and knows how tough it is to maintain interest in a fulfilling sexual relationship. “I think you need to focus fully and shut out the rest of the world for good sex,” she says. “You need to literally go someplace, where you know there will be no telephone, and no interruptions.”

Take advantage of hours when your energy level is at its peak, she adds.

“The more appreciative you are of the other person, the better your sex life will be,” says Hamilton. “In the business world, people get torn down all day long; it’s wonderful to come home and have someone that’s there especially for you. My husband used to always bring me breakfast in bed and that was just a delight to me.”

Hamilton feels that a relationship goes dead when people lose their passion for each other. A relationships with no passion leaves both men and women ripe for an affair. “So many people stop listening to each other in relationships and that’s what erodes intimacy.”

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Category : Blog
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