Each week, dozens of people write to me asking for sexual advice or information. Here are answers to some of the most common questions:

How do I increase the size of my penis?

You can’t. The tissue in penises is not the kind you can pump up with exercise. There’s nothing you can permanently inject or implant into it safely. And there’s no plastic surgery to enhance it. Fortunately, overwhelming numbers of people making love with men insist that penis size does not matter to them.

How do I tell my mate what I want (or don’t want) sexually?

There’s no substitute for clear, direct, simple statements. Most people want more information from their partner, not less. So just tell him or her what you want. Do it in a friendly, non-complaining way when you have plenty of time to listen to each other. And do not bring up other issues during the conversation; write them down for future talks.

How can a woman climax more easily?

Most women climax from stimulation of the clitoris, not from vaginal intercourse. And each woman’s preferences differ. So every woman needs to instruct her partner on how she wants to be touched. Several lessons are usually needed; make them as enjoyable and friendly as you can, rather than mechanical or grim. A lubricant, vibrator, mirror, music or refreshments may help; lessons should be no longer than 30 minutes each.

I think my partner is fooling around with someone else. What are the signs of infidelity?

Don’t play detective or psychologist. If you have evidence or suspicions, tell your partner. Ask for an explanation. If it’s at all plausible, believe it. If you have continued suspicions, go with your partner to a marriage counselor. If you’re in obvious pain, and your mate is innocent, he/she will probably go willingly.


  • Sexual communication starts before you take off your clothes — learn to enjoy getting to know each other better.
  • Remember, there’s no such thing as “normal” sexual preferences. Talk about what you like and dislike, not what’s “right.”
  • Mistrust undermines eroticism. If there’s something you’re uneasy about, clear it up as soon as possible.

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Even if you don’t well up at weddings and romance movies, you may still find this book powerfully moving. Once again, the Chicken Soup brigade hits the spot; this time with a medley of real-life love stories.

The stories include an excerpt from Christopher Reeve’s autobiography,”Still Me,” describing his struggle with paralysis and his relationship with his wife, Dana. Equally poignant is the love story between the legendary dancer Dame Margot Fonteyn and Roberto Arias, Panama’s former ambassador to the United Nations, who was crippled by assassin’s bullets. While Fonteyn took curtain calls in “Romeo and Juliet,” Arias watched from the wings in a stretcher.

If all this sounds a little too schmaltzy, rest assured that there are sobering snippets here, too. Among them are quotes from the famous. “There is only one serious question … how to make love stay,” comes courtesy of author Tom Robbins. You don’t have to be the sentimental type to enjoy this book, but it might help.

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“So, what is it that we’re doing here?”

Sooner or later most every relationship reaches that “we’ve been dating for a while now…” decision-making moment. At this point, change is inevitable. Is it time to move on, or are you ready to get married?

To answer that, says Jeffry Larson, Ph.D., author of Should We Stay Together?, you must first ask yourself: What are our “couple traits” and how do they influence our relationship?

Unlike individual traits, which focus on your personality or family background, couple traits focus on your relationship. They include degree of acquaintanceship, similarity of values and attitudes, communication and conflict resolution skills. They are also a good indication of whether you will be happy in marriage says Larson, a marriage and family therapist.

“Acquaintanceship is a combination of how well you know your partner and how longyou’ve known your partner before marriage,” says Larson. “The longer you become acquainted with someone before marriage, the better you know them, understand them and understand your couple strengths and weaknesses.”

Marriages that endure involve spouses who know each other on many levels. Each person knows much about the other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams.

Much of this friendship should develop before marriage, which takes time.

To develop the acquaintanceship, “Ask your partner: What are your three most important goals in life?” says Larson. “Hear their fears, their plans. Ask him or her to tell you about their most important values.”

If someone is not willing to be open, consider it a red flag.

“It would make me suspicious if, for instance, the person couldn’t tell me their three biggest fears,” says Larson. “Although I don’t think you have to pull out all the skeletons from your closet.”

In his book, Larson recommends dating for at least a year before deciding whether to marry. “Get to know someone during all four seasons because a year gives you a chance to have a crisis or two. You can see how your partner responds in a crisis and handles stress, how he relates to his family, how he deals with important dates like your birthday, how the two of you handle conflicts. All of this cannot be learned in a few months.”

Use this time to get to know your partner and yourself better. Communication skills should include self-awareness. Ask yourself: What am I thinking? What I am I feeling? What do I want? And once you answer those questions, can you effectively tell your partner in a way that does not offend him or her?

Well-matched couples communicate effectively and solve problems without letting them drag out. They are each willing to accept their partner’s weaknesses without becoming distraught. They learn to accept certain qualities and not try to change their partners.

Strong couples also listen actively. This means hearing the content of what someone says and also listening to the tone of voice and noticing nonverbal cues.

If there is a conflict between verbal and nonverbal messages: The nonverbal never lies. Facial expressions are a true indicator of feelings.

In the end, whether or not to marry is a cognitive decision as well as a decision of the heart.

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