23
Jun


Our emotions affect our sexual functioning. It sounds obvious when you say it, but many people behave as if they don’t realize this.

Sexual response is a reflex. We perceive a physical or mental stimulus (say, a caress or a fantasy). This message travels to the brain, which sends a message down the spinal cord to various parts of the body, instructing them to respond with tingling, extra blood flow, etc.

Emotions are electrical and chemical events in the body. They either facilitate or disrupt the sex-related messages going up and down the spinal column. Thus, if your partner says, “your skin tastes good,” your emotions facilitate a sexual response. But if your partner calls you the wrong name, your emotions disrupt the sexual response. This is how common feelings such as anger, anxiety, sadness and frustration interfere with reflexes such as erection, lubrication and orgasm.

Many people tolerate negative emotions during sex in silence. Most men and women have experienced sex that made them feel uncomfortable. This could be due to anxiety about performance, fear or anger about being coerced, or sadness about having their needs ignored.

Bodies in these situations rarely respond in an ideal way. Unfortunately, people frequently blame themselves, rather than the situation, for their inadequate response. This is often the beginning of believing that they have a dysfunction. That leads to more anxiety during subsequent lovemaking, undermining sexual functioning even more.

Unlike computers, our bodies respond to irrational factors like expectations, memories and emotions. This means that being aware of our emotions is essential for satisfying sex. Your feelings may embarrass, surprise or confuse you, but they’re real, and their impact on sexual function is also real.

Penises and vulvas usually tell the truth: a frightened penis often shrivels; an angry vulva often tightens shut, and sad mouths rarely relax and enjoy kissing.

Admitting to yourself how you really feel may be uncomfortable, and discussing it with a partner may be even more uncomfortable. But there’s no substitute for connecting with yourself–or your partner–emotionally. It’s a key step toward healthy sexual functioning.

Tips: Before, during and after sex, don’t ignore how you feel just because you think it’s unromantic or inconvenient.Talk with your partner about feelings you have about sex, your body or your relationship. If you consistently feel bad about sex or your relationships, consider therapy.

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Category : Blog
1
Jun


Here’s another benefit of education: If you went to college, you’re twice as likely, compared to high-school dropouts, to enjoy oral sex.

Don’t underestimate the importance of going down. Married men will pay strangers if they’re not getting oral sex at home; it’s estimated that 75 percent of New York City streetwalkers’ business is fellatio.

While men love it, many women need it. A survey of Army wives in happy marriages showed they could reach orgasm through intercourse only 25 percent of the time, but with cunnilingus, it’s 81 percent. So be all that you can be!

Just as with gifts, being a good recipient will pay off in the long run. If your partner wants you to bathe first (I always do), do it, without protesting about the importance of natural aroma. Making love is not about scoring political points — it’s about making each other happy.

Here are more tips for giving and getting. Your relationship may depend on it more than you realize.

Cunnilingus

Women sometimes complain that men don’t know what women like. There’s a good reason.

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage recently ran a series of letters from women describing what turned them on, and each had somebody directly contradict them. Some women want their clitoris sucked; others say it hurts.

Some women enjoy a tongue in their labia; others feel violated. Some women like men to hum the alphabet song while licking their clitoris in the shape of the letters; others think that’s childish and a turnoff, even if you can sing it in French.

What struck me about these letters was how many wrote “it’s good” rather than “I like.” It seems women don’t always realize their personal preference is just that.

This does not mean you shouldn’t have cunnilingus just the way you like it. However, you can’t expect your mate to know how that is. Nor, perhaps, do you even know how what’s best yourself.

There may be some exciting new technique you haven’t even tried that will revolutionize your sex life. Happy experimenting.

Don’t go straight for the genitals.

Many women find a direct clitoral assault physically painful. Kiss a bit and stroke the inner thighs first.

Get comfortable, both of you.

I like to be on my back when I’m performing cunnilingus, with a pillow or two under my head for neck support. I hate it when she’s on her back, but some women like the feel of the man kneeling before her. However, remember that if you ask your partner to do something that makes them uncomfortable, they’re not likely to volunteer often.

One more point — some nights women just don’t feel like getting head, even if they ordinarily enjoy it. If she says no twice and tries to push you away, believe her.

Hum while you lick and suck.

This turns your mouth into a vibrator. However, never blow air into the vagina — pregnant women have died from embolisms.

Ladies, moan loudly when you like something.

Don’t be shy about giving him direct instructions on where to lick, either. If you don’t tell him, he won’t know.

Fellatio

Conventional wisdom says fellatio is easier to get right than cunnilingus. There’s a barroom joke that goes, “I just had the worst blow job of my life. It was great.”

But Shere Hite reported that slightly more women can reach orgasm through oral sex than men. Most men like fellatio as foreplay, but as gay men with sore jaws will tell you, it’s not so easy to make it the final act.

Fortunately, men’s preferences are far more predictable in receiving oral sex than women’s. These tips will help pleasure most guys, presumably even Hugh Grant.

Keep your word, men.

If you promise not to come in her mouth, keep your promise. Otherwise, you may have traded hours of pleasurable fellatio foreplay for hours of apologizing and begging her to give you another chance.

If she doesn’t like the taste of semen, you can improve it through your diet. Pineapple juice is the most famous tonic. I drank a quart of this one afternoon and my partner, who wasn’t happy about participating in this experiment even for journalistic purposes, said it gave a pleasant enough citrus flavor that she was willing to try it again with different juices. (“Maybe mango next,” she said.) That’s a small price to pay, boys.

Pretend it’s a surprisingly warm popsicle.

Don’t be shy about handling the penis. You can save yourself a lot of gagging by gripping the base firmly and concentrating your mouth on the head and top of the shaft.

Men like it when you lick the shaft, and particularly when you lick the frenulum — a small strip of skin just below the head on the underside.

However, there’s no substitute for taking it in your mouth and just sucking. If you can lick while you’re doing it, even better. Pressure, motion and moisture will drive most men to distraction.

Try some additional flavoring.

Altoids got a great advertising boost when people began telling about sucking the mints at the same time they were giving fellatio. It’s an interesting change of pace — try it.

Other worthwhile experiments: hold a small ice cube in your mouth, or take occasional sips of hot tea.

Love me, love my Johnson.

Men place an enormous amount of personal value on their penis. If you love your man, think of his penis the same way — as an embodiment of him, who you’re making deliriously happy.

The best head I’ve ever received has depended not on technique, but on feeling: I feel like she really enjoyed doing it. Learn to feel this, or fake it convincingly, and you’ll have your partner glaze-eyed in no time.

 

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Category : Blog
7
May


May 7th was National Masturbation Day. Did you miss it? Go ahead and celebrate today.

Since almost all adults and children give themselves sexual pleasure, the day is an opportunity for us to come out of the closet. But you won’t find any Hallmark cards or office picnics commemorating the day. It seems that most Americans would rather admit to having sex with their dog than admit to having sex with themselves.

We have no respect for masturbation. To begin with, the word comes from the Latin masturbatus: “to defile with the hand.” In today’s vernacular, when we want to tell someone to quit wasting time, we say, “Stop jerking off.”

What’s more, for 1,800 years of Christian theology we have been deliberately misled to think that the Bible denounces masturbation. In fact, there’s nothing in the Bible prohibiting masturbation. When Onan angered God by spilling his seed, he wasn’t masturbating; he was interrupting intercourse to prevent impregnating his dead brother’s widow.

Americans are uncomfortable about masturbation because we’re ambivalent about sexual pleasure that isn’t redeemed by romantic love. And, of course, we’re all taught that the point of sex is procreation, not recreation.

But this flies in the face of our personal experience. Masturbation feels good. It’s part of how babies learn to control their little hands (imagine that discovery!); years later, it’s how most of us continue learning about our sexuality. And women, in particular, can teach themselves to orgasm by practicing with a vibrator, pillow, running water or their own hand.

Adults use masturbation in many ways: to pleasure ourselves, comfort ourselves, maintain our erotic independence, experiment with new sensations, educate our partners. Masturbation isn’t a substitute for sex; it is sex — sex, as Woody Allen said, with someone you love. Or, as Betty Dodson says, “sex for one.”

As a sex therapist, I never ask couples if they masturbate. I’ve learned how horrified many people are to acknowledge their private habit. Instead, I ask people if they think their mate masturbates. It’s often the beginning of an intimate conversation they didn’t expect to have.

There are so many good things about masturbation.

Masurbation Tips and Facts:

• Experiment with lubricants and toys for some new feelings.

• Invite your partner to pleasure himself or herself while you hold and stroke him or her.

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Category : Blog
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