You probably have sex for many different reasons. And depending on your mood, circumstances, relationship and other factors, you probably want different things from sex at different times.

Are you aware of this? Do you change your sexual activity to get what you want from it?

If you want to feel warm and close, for example, agreeing to hang from the chandeliers might lead to turning off in the middle of sex. Similarly, if you’ve been bossed around at work all week, warm and romantic sex may simply feel too controlled. A raunchy video, nasty language, or creative roleplay may appeal much more.

People often have sex for reasons they don’t like to admit: to feel like a real man or real woman, to feel normal or competent, to keep a partner from straying (or to disguise the fact that they’re straying), to escape from problems or cure insomnia, even to avoid talking about something serious (“Oh honey, let’s not fight. Come to bed”).

The point isn’t that some reasons are better than others, but rather that couples sometimes have very different agendas for their sex. The criticism that can follow (“Why are you so uptight?” “Why must you be so kinky?”) is often hurtful rather than productive.

Think of it this way: fast food and luxurious dinners both have their place. But trying to get a gourmet experience from McDonalds or a quick bite at the Ritz will lead to disappointment and conflict. The problem isn’t with Big Macs or canapés, it’s with trying to get something from a place that can’t give it to you.

If you’re feeling frustrated about the sex you and your mate have, ask yourself what you want from sex, and then ask if the sex you’re creating could satisfy those needs. If not, it’s time to do something else. Experiment with new things, stop doing what you don’t want to, ask your partner to change, or all of the above.

Just don’t blame sex. It’s there to serve you.

To get more of what you want in bed, remember:

  • “I don’t want to” is a sufficient reason to say no.
  • Sexual experimentation isn’t right or wrong. It’s either attractive or uninteresting at this time with this partner.
  • Talk with your mate to discover reasons you each have for lovemaking that are compatible.

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933656 kesses Lip Service: Combining Oral Sex and the G SpotPeople generally don’t think of the G spot and oral sex as two things that go together, but when oral sex is combined with stimulation of the G spot with the fingers, it can produce very strong orgasms for women. Not every man is comfortable doing this, but for those who are and for whose partner is receptive to it, it can be a very good experience. Oral sex takes practice, though, just like finding the G spot, so knowing how to do both separately and well is a good idea before you undertake doing them both at the same time. If oral sex is too rough it’s uncomfortable for many women, and too light of a touch is often not enough to really be stimulating. Every woman is different, though, so finding out what your partner needs and wants from you is the most important thing that you can do.

For women who can have a G spot orgasm without much trouble and who also enjoy clitoral stimulation, it’s quite possible to combine the two and enjoy what that can bring in the form of a better orgasm or multiple orgasms. Not every woman enjoys oral sex, though, and some women don’t really enjoy having their G spot stimulated – not every woman will have an orgasm that way. Make sure your partner is receptive to what you’re going to do before you start doing it, rather than jumping right in and hoping. You’ll both have a better sexual experience that way.

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