21
Dec


Whether they’ve been asking questions or not, it’s time to talk with your kids about sexuality. That means talking about gender, reproduction, bodies, feelings, changes, and, of course, sex — with self or with a partner.

Regardless of their age, they’re ready. Are you?

When talking to your kids about sexuality, your goal should be far more ambitious than preventing premarital sex or pregnancy. Besides, it will be more difficult to get those messages across without first establishing values and ongoing communication.

Talking to your kids about sexuality prepares them for future relationships, and arms them with accurate information. It also allows you to help shape their sexual values and decision-making, encouraging them to think clearly about sexuality.

It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. Here are four ways to approach your kids about sex:

  1. Show you’re askable.
  2. Never punish them for asking questions. It’s fine to say, “I don’t know” or “That’s personal, I don’t like talking about that.” But angrily demanding, “Why do you want to know?” or declaring: “Only a bad girl asks questions like that,” sends a message that sexual concerns are unacceptable to you.

  3. Teach that sex is OK.
  4. Teaching kids to fear sex or its consequences creates adults who fear sex or its consequences. Besides, instilling guilt and shame in kids doesn’t reliably discourage behavior you disapprove of. On the other hand, teaching young people to treat sex with respect, and that their bodies are precious, encourages them to behave responsibly.

  5. Teach values.
  6. Don’t hesitate to share the principles by which you live — kids want that. Just make sure that you label them as values rather than fact. Talk about what you believe or what makes you feel good. Of course, this requires that you talk about sex as a normal part of life, perhaps the most important message of all.

  7. Teach decision-making skills.
  8. Regardless of their age, what kids need most of all is decision-making skills. This is especially true when they’re dealing with peer pressure, feeling they’re in love or have been using alcohol. When you aren’t there to tell them what to do, they need to know how to make healthy choices for themselves.

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Category : Blog
9
Nov


No one can be in two places at once. Therefore, if you want to be present during sex, you have to let go of both the past and future. You may not want — or be able — to let go permanently, but you need the ability to let go for an hour. Let’s look at four things to let go of.

First, let go of how your body used to be. Honey, none of us is getting any younger, and I know our (fill in the blank) used to be firmer, higher, smaller. Well, it isn’t now, and both you and your lover need to accept that. Any energy you put into sucking in your belly, hiding your butt, or pretending you don’t look exactly the way you do is energy taken away from the good sex you could be having.

Second, let go of comparing yourself to your partner’s ex-lovers. Needing to be the “best” is almost as destructive as needing to be the “only.” During lovemaking many of us focus more on our partner’s ex- than on our partner, in a perverse mental threesome that nobody enjoys. Teach your partner to make you feel like the world’s most important lover, and learn how to feel that way when he or she does. Be gracious. It’s an art.

Third, let go of worrying what your partner will think of you later. We all look silly during sex — if we’re enjoying ourselves. And if we’re fortunate, and our partner is fortunate, we will squeal, beg, fart, suck, demand, drool and lose track of time, space, grammar and our hands. Decide before you begin that this is OK, or don’t bother taking off your clothes.

Fourth, let go of any trauma you have previously suffered around sexuality. Difficult? Of course. Perhaps the most difficult thing you’ve ever done. Possible? Certainly; the human spirit is incredibly resilient. Scary? Definitely, so professional help may be appropriate.

Make sure you hire someone who wants to get you over the trauma, rather than keep you in it. Time-consuming? Probably. So better get going right now. Good sex is waiting — in the present.

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Category : Blog
27
Jul


It is a paradox: A woman who wants her own sexual needs fulfilled in a relationship focuses instead on what is good for her man.

“If a woman feels unsatisfied in the sexual relationship, she might ask her partner: `Am I satisfying you in this way?’ And the man will respond in kind,” says Joseph Dispenza, myprimetime personal trainer and director of the Parcells Center for Personal Transformation in Santa Fe. “She could also ask: `How can I be more desirable to you?’ And he will ask her the same question, and she can go from there,” he says.

Because men in our culture are not taught to express their emotions, giving your man the opportunity to discuss his feelings in this way can be a great gift to him, and to you.

“You might even be surprised to find that he is comfortable talking about it,” says Dr. Susan Chandler, a psychologist in San Francisco. “You can ask him what he would like you to do. What feels good to him? Tell him you’d like to be able to talk about it and that your physical relationship is important to you,” she says. Then use this discussion as an opportunity to talk about your needs. “But begin gently: If you are critical and judging, it shuts everything down.”

Avoid what Chandler calls “war words” that imply criticism: never, always or too much.

“It’s better if you say things like, `I’m feeling this way’ or `It works better for me when you do this,’ as opposed to `You do this wrong’ or `You don’t do this.’ If you let him know how you’re feeling, then he can respond to it,” says Chandler.

Declare your loving intentions. Write affirmations on cards and place them near your bed to remind your partner that you are looking out for him. “Written affirmations are very powerful. I suggest that partners make up affirmations that speak to their mutual satisfaction so that it tunes both of them into the beauty and power of their union,” says Dispenza.

Affirmations that a couple writes together during nonsexual times can turn into a playful sex game. An example: I am giving you everything that you need right now.

Defuse any defensiveness your man might have about sexuality by becoming comfortable asking for what you want. Don’t be tense or hesitant when discussing sex. If you like it when a man acts a particular way, reinforce it by saying, “Remember that night when you did such and such? That felt wonderful. Could you do more of that?”

Keep it light, says Edward Dreyfus, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Santa Monica. “If you can mix intimacy and playfulness together, then you have great sex.”

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Category : Blog
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