8
Jun


The only time sex should hurt is when you want it to hurt. Spanking, nipple pinching, and other kinds of rough play have an honorable history among consenting adults. But sometimes sex hurts when you don’t want it to.

Sexual acts themselves can be painful. Causes can be mechanical: tiny fissures around the labia or penile shaft, too much friction due to inadequate lubrication, awkward angles of insertion or containment. Active lesions from STDs such as herpes can make even light pressure painful. More serious physical causes include endometriosis, fibroids and Peyronie’s disease.

Some causes are psychological: Anxiety or anger can narrow the vaginal opening. Even simple touch can hurt when you’re grappling with strong feelings. Our gag reflex can be triggered by smell, sound, making kissing or oral sex an ordeal.

People over 40 often start noticing something new: Sex begins to hurt because it involves stretching, twisting, weight bearing, and aerobic stress. As you age you may have less tolerance, for example, for tilting your neck when performing cunnilingus, hyper-extending your lower back during traditional intercourse, or squeezing and pulling.

What can we do about this? If something aches, move it or rest it. Develop a repertoire of sexual activities that hurt less. Tell your partners what’s uncomfortable so they’ll stop expecting those things. To warm up for sex, stretch, take a hot bath and perhaps some aspirin. At 40 or 50, it’s part of sex.

Coming to terms with our sexual limitations is part of coming to terms with middle age. It’s rarely discussed; people talk freely about having to give up running or tennis, but not about how, say, tendonitis limits their masturbation.

But ignoring these changes can undermine the sex, while exacerbating the pain. Ultimately, having good sex in the shadow of our physical limitations requires that we admit what’s going on, and adapt accordingly. That means finding ways to deal with the grief of losing cherished sexual activities because of joint pain or limited range of motion.

In middle age, grief is a sexual frontier.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
25
May


There are lots of great reasons to say yes to sex. But there are also times when it’s best to say no.

For starters, it’s usually best to say no if you’re not in the mood. I don’t mean, “I’m not really in the mood, but we’re feeling friendly, so if you do most of the work I’ll get into it.” Rather, I’m talking about times when you’re not going to get in the mood. Perhaps you’re not feeling well, or you’re exhausted or cranky. Maybe you’re nervous about something happening at work or with the kids.

It’s important to say no when you’re angry, and to talk instead. Unfortunately, some people use sex to ignore a problem that they can’t resolve. In fact, some people use sex to avoid intimacy — the kind of intimacy that involves the difficult exploration and resolution of differences that exist in all relationships.

People in new relationships (or one-night stands) shouldn’t necessarily say no to sex —but they should clarify what the sex means before getting into it. If one person thinks the sex is about recreation, while the other one thinks it’s the beginning of a commitment, both will be disappointed. Sometimes one person wants to keep the sex confidential, while the other is so excited (or proud) that discretion is impossible. Again, without a conversation about it, both people will be frustrated.

While a lack of contraception doesn’t require you to say no to sex, it does require you to say no to intercourse. That’s the only grownup way to look at it. Don’t delude yourself about using the “rhythm method” — people who use rhythm are called parents. If you’re not going to use birth control, at least admit it to yourself, rather than pretending you’re using a technique that’s only slightly more effective than wishing upon a star.

People have sex for lots of psychological reasons — wanting to prove they’re normal, that they’re a “real man” or “real woman,” that they’re still attractive. In fact, some people have sex for revenge or as a form of hostility. But you wouldn’t do that, would you?

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
20
Apr


Our emotions affect our sexual functioning. It sounds obvious when you say it, but many people behave as if they don’t realize this.

Sexual response is a reflex. We perceive a physical or mental stimulus (say, a caress or a fantasy). This message travels to the brain, which sends a message down the spinal cord to various parts of the body, instructing them to respond with tingling, extra blood flow, etc.

Emotions are electrical and chemical events in the body. They either facilitate or disrupt the sex-related messages going up and down the spinal column. Thus, if your partner says, “your skin tastes good,” your emotions facilitate a sexual response. But if your partner calls you the wrong name, your emotions disrupt the sexual response. This is how common feelings such as anger, anxiety, sadness and frustration interfere with reflexes such as erection, lubrication and orgasm.

Many people tolerate negative emotions during sex in silence. Most men and women have experienced sex that made them feel uncomfortable. This could be due to anxiety about performance, fear or anger about being coerced, or sadness about having their needs ignored.

Bodies in these situations rarely respond in an ideal way. Unfortunately, people frequently blame themselves, rather than the situation, for their inadequate response. This is often the beginning of believing that they have a dysfunction. That leads to more anxiety during subsequent lovemaking, undermining sexual functioning even more.

Unlike computers, our bodies respond to irrational factors like expectations, memories and emotions. This means that being aware of our emotions is essential for satisfying sex. Your feelings may embarrass, surprise or confuse you, but they’re real, and their impact on sexual function is also real.

Penises and vulvas usually tell the truth: a frightened penis often shrivels; an angry vulva often tightens shut, and sad mouths rarely relax and enjoy kissing.

Admitting to yourself how you really feel may be uncomfortable, and discussing it with a partner may be even more uncomfortable. But there’s no substitute for connecting with yourself–or your partner–emotionally. It’s a key step toward healthy sexual functioning.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
G Spot | About Us | Privacy Policy | Contact Us | Sitemap