23
Mar


Sex toys are here to stay.

According to two recent studies, millions of Americans use one or more sex toys. We’re talking vibrators, dildos and butt plugs, as well as blindfolds, handcuffs and nipple clamps. We’ll leave whips and leather underwear for another discussion.

Like all technology, sex toys are an extension of the body. They are hands, tongues and genitalia that are bigger and stronger, and never tire. They are tools that help us give pleasure to ourselves and to each other.

Sex toys can be equally great for partner sex and masturbation. Any sex that can be improved by something that probes, stimulates, squeezes or alters sensation can be enhanced by a sex toy.

Unfortunately, some would-be users are self-conscious about feeling they need assistance. Others are concerned that their partner will feel inadequate. But this is like feeling self-critical that you need a comfortable chair to enjoy a movie. Our shyness about using sex toys really expresses the shame we feel about admitting we’re sexual in a sex-negative culture.

It’s no illusion. Until recently, for example, most national magazines refused vibrator advertising — including Ms. magazine. And only last year, the state of Alabama criminalized the production or sale of “sexual devices marketed primarily for the stimulation of human genitals.”

Why the controversy about a 5-inch battery-powered piece of buzzing plastic? Sex toys are about sexual pleasure, not about reproduction or romantic love (although many romantic, loving people and couples use them).

A vibrator or nipple clamp in your hand is the smoking gun of pleasure — you simply can’t deny that getting off is exactly what you have in mind.

So sex toys are a vehicle for sexual empowerment — for learning about our eroticism, for pleasuring ourselves, for encouraging our partners to feel things more deeply. They are, literally, the way we take our sexuality into our own hands. No wonder so many authorities frown on sex toys and make us hide them under the covers. Using a sex toy is, after all, a political act.

And it feels damn good, too.

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Category : Blog
29
Sep


People have a variety of reasons for not communicating about sex. These include lack of vocabulary, feeling intimidated, anxiety and hostility.

One reason that women frequently give is “I don’t want to bruise his male ego.” To that I say, ladies, bruise away.

Information is critical to sexual satisfaction. Men need to know where and how you like to be touched, what your different sounds (and your silence) mean, when you’re ready, when you’re uninterested and when you want more.

Somehow, many women have gotten the idea that men can’t stand to get this information from them. They think mind reading, trial and error, or even ignorance is preferable.

Granted, some men can’t stand to admit that there’s anything they don’t know about sex. But most men will tell you they’re eager to know more about their partner’s body and sexuality. These guys are dying to know what makes a woman experience desire, arousal and satisfaction.

How can you convey this information? Words are great, of course. Some people prefer to talk in bed. “Honey, I’d love this.” Or “Bob, I’d prefer that slower.” Perhaps you feel more comfortable talking at another time, like while driving: “You know, Juan, when you put your fingers inside me, some lube would make it even nicer.”

Nonverbal communication works well too, as long as both partners understand it. So put your hand on his and move it the way you want it, or gently take his hand away from a place you don’t like it and put it somewhere you do. Or sigh when he licks you just right. But if you find these gestures don’t work, talking is probably required.

And what of the fragile male ego? There’s no need to be mean or insensitive when you communicate. Focus on the positive by describing what you like more than what you don’t. And assume that your mate wants to know how to make sex more rewarding for both of you. If he doesn’t, you have a much bigger problem than lack of orgasm or unsatisfying sexual technique.

Start your exploration of intimacy here:

  • If you like to communicate with moans and other sounds, ask your partner what he thinks you mean by them.
  • If you’re unsure how best to communicate, ask your partner (out of bed) how he wants you to tell him.
  • Asking “would you like to tell me some stuff about your sexuality” is sometimes the best way to open a conversation about what you’d like.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
25
Aug


Unless you’re currently with the person you’ll wind up spending your life with, sooner or later you’re going to have sex with someone for the first time.

Does this idea excite you, terrify you, confuse you — or all three?

If you prepare yourself and your partner, it can be delightful. But if you feel pressured, self-conscious, inadequate and alone, your experience may not be very enjoyable.

How to prepare? First, decide what the sex means to you. Do you see it as the beginning of something important, a casual thing, or friends essentially comforting each other? And what does it mean to your prospective partner? If you don’t know, ask. Make sure the sex means something similar to both of you, or there’ll be two unhappy people afterwards.

What kind of sex do you like? What does your new partner like? Talking about this ahead of time is exquisitely sexy, as you discover each other’s preferences, expertise, and fantasies. Are there likely to be soft words, rough words or complete silence? Costumes, blindfolds or spanking? Gentle caressing or athletic wrestling?

Talking about these things ahead of time sets the tone for the upcoming sex. It also helps you get to know your partner better. Is your new partner comfortable with his or her sexuality? Is he playful, serious or downright narrow-minded? Does she view sex as a creative partnership or just a collision of bodies without much emotional choreography?

Ironically, talking about the kind of sex you’re going to have can help you decide whether you really want sex with this person again or at all.

How someone talks about being sexual with you is probably a much better predictor of the erotic experience you’ll actually have than anything you can observe about her body or the way he sets up the bedroom. Listen, both to the words and to the heart behind them.

Tips:

  • A friendly conversation about sex doesn’t break the mood, it helps create the mood.
  • Make sure you and your prospective partner mean the same thing by being sexual together.
  • Be wary of becoming sexual with someone who says he or she doesn’t want to talk about sex, but prefers to just let it happen.

 




A friendly conversation about sex doesn’t break the mood, it helps create the mood.
Make sure you and your prospective partner mean the same thing by being sexual together.
Be wary of becoming sexual with someone who says he or she doesn’t want to talk about sex, but prefers to just let it happen.

 

Popularity: unranked [?]

Category : Blog
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