What Do You Want From Sex?


You probably have sex for many different reasons. And depending on your mood, circumstances, relationship and other factors, you probably want different things from sex at different times.

Are you aware of this? Do you change your sexual activity to get what you want from it?

If you want to feel warm and close, for example, agreeing to hang from the chandeliers might lead to turning off in the middle of sex. Similarly, if you’ve been bossed around at work all week, warm and romantic sex may simply feel too controlled. A raunchy video, nasty language, or creative roleplay may appeal much more.

People often have sex for reasons they don’t like to admit: to feel like a real man or real woman, to feel normal or competent, to keep a partner from straying (or to disguise the fact that they’re straying), to escape from problems or cure insomnia, even to avoid talking about something serious (“Oh honey, let’s not fight. Come to bed”).

The point isn’t that some reasons are better than others, but rather that couples sometimes have very different agendas for their sex. The criticism that can follow (“Why are you so uptight?” “Why must you be so kinky?”) is often hurtful rather than productive.

Think of it this way: fast food and luxurious dinners both have their place. But trying to get a gourmet experience from McDonalds or a quick bite at the Ritz will lead to disappointment and conflict. The problem isn’t with Big Macs or canap├ęs, it’s with trying to get something from a place that can’t give it to you.

If you’re feeling frustrated about the sex you and your mate have, ask yourself what you want from sex, and then ask if the sex you’re creating could satisfy those needs. If not, it’s time to do something else. Experiment with new things, stop doing what you don’t want to, ask your partner to change, or all of the above.

Just don’t blame sex. It’s there to serve you.

To get more of what you want in bed, remember:

  • “I don’t want to” is a sufficient reason to say no.
  • Sexual experimentation isn’t right or wrong. It’s either attractive or uninteresting at this time with this partner.
  • Talk with your mate to discover reasons you each have for lovemaking that are compatible.

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